Aug. 29, 2010
"When are they gonna come out with a Lego 'Goodfellas?'"

Aug. 24, 2010
"I haven't posted in a few days and the muscles in my fingers have textrophied."

Aug. 10, 2010
"Now you can say 'Fantasia drug trip' and not be talking about a psychedelic Disney film."

Aug. 7, 2010
"The Muzak version of 'Careless Whisper' in this lobby has turned a bad song into a sonic hate crime."

Aug. 5, 2010
"People tell me I have a photographic memory, but unfortunately I take pictures of the stupidest shit."

July 30, 2010
"I've kissed more girls than Katy Perry."

July 24, 2010
"Dad, what's a HINME? You know, 'it must be the hinme that has gotten in me?'"

July 23, 2010
"Young boys should never be sent to bed. They always wake up a day older, and then before you know it they've grown."

July 21, 2010
"[singing] I'm gettin' nothin' for Christmas! Mommy and Daddy are stabbed."

July 20, 2010
"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid."

July 18, 2010
"I jus uned my index ine on a skille cookin an omelee wih cheese, so my poss may be missin some consonans oday. Moheucke!"

July 15, 2010
"The oil would have stopped earlier if we hadn't made fun of Aquaman so much."

July 13, 2010
"My EA Active trainer said I was 'poetry in motion.' I didn't know the Wii was advanced enough to measure the iambic pentameter of love handles."

July 11, 2010
"Laughter is the only thing in life of any real value... and of course money."

July 5, 2010
"I don't like going into the butler's room [in this video game] because it smells like butt."

July 4, 2010
"Rampant unemployment, a gazillion gallons of oil, Kim Kardashian...what birthday gift do you get for the country that has everything?"

July 3, 2010
"Stream of consciousness, running freely, running through the jungles in my head
Flowing slowly, to a sea of abandoned ideas, newspaper sailboats left unread."

July 2, 2010
"I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor...
Between who you are
And who you could be
Between how it is
And how it should be"

June 30, 2010
"I bought a noncomedogenic shaving cream because I didn't want to look funny in photos. It didn't work, but at least my pores aren't blocked."

June 29, 2010
"Wave after will will flow with the tide, and bury the world as it does
Tide after tide will flow and recede, leaving life to go on as it was..."

June 28, 2010
"Nice meeting you. Would you like to share your flaws up front so I don't have to hunt for them?"

June 6, 2010
"That dude's pants are pulled up so high that I have a wedgie."

June 5, 2010
"Put out a Silver Alert -- somebody's missing."

June 3, 2010
"You might be a redneck if the Salvation Army comes to your house and takes the wrong furniture."

June 2, 2010
"two wrongs don't make a right. but i'm determined to find out how many wrongs do"

May 28, 2010
"Make sure you lock the door first."

May 10, 2010
"The people turned blue in James Cameron's earlier epic too, "Titanic" (TBS, 8 p.m.)."

May 9, 2010
"Everybody and their mother is here."

April 29, 2010
"I'm a liberal who deplores racism, but I'm on the fence about the Arizona immigration law. Wait, not that fence! Stop shooting at me!"

April 25, 2010
"I tried, but I couldn't deal with the stress of trying to differentiate between Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney."

April 23, 2010
"I tried, but I couldn't deal with the stress of trying to differentiate between Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney."

April 20, 2010
"Most of you guys want to be love gods too. So I'm going to share with you the most important thing you'll ever know: what to say to her husband in case he catches you in bed with his wife. What I always do, I leap out of bed, look him straight in the eye, and say, 'That will teach you to send in your census form late!'"

March 31, 2010
"My NCAA bracket has more red marks than Joe McCarthy's notepad."

March 7, 2010
"I'm moving to Bohemia, taking you along; say goodbye to suburbia; you don't have to cut the lawn."

March 3, 2010
"Spotted a homeless man w/ a coat around his shoulders & full-on James Brown hair. He's the hardest working man in no-business."

Feb. 23, 2010
"I would like to see a battle to the death between Punky Brewster and Rainbow Brite that ends in a tie."

Feb. 22, 2010
"That alarm scared me so bad I think I shit your pants."

Feb. 16, 2010
"Dance like nobody's watching. WHOA! Except you, dufus. Dance when nobody's watching."

Feb. 13, 2010
"Did you ever notice Gatorade don't work on players who suck?"

Feb. 8, 2010
"Oh, I'm fine with a little mercury poisoning as long as it means I get to eat raw fish."

Feb. 5, 2010
"Hey, General: I own an automatic pen, but I've never seen an automatic sword. Also, that clever quote sort of makes you good with the pen. Ironic, huh? Finally, I'm just kidding and mean no disrespect, especially since you died in 1964, so please don't stab, shoot and/or haunt me."

Jan. 28, 2010
"I hope to hell that when I do die somebody has the sense to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetery. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody."

Jan. 1, 2010
"Can I have some spoiled eggs?"

Dec. 31, 2009
"If the quality of airline service continues to decline, soon terrorists will be the only ones who want to fly."

Dec. 30, 2009
"Airports are like museums of boredom."

Dec. 27, 2009
"No, venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact, tall is large and grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages."

Dec. 15, 2009
"Humanity? Not a big fan."

Dec. 4, 2009
"Tiger Changes Facebook Status to 'It's Incredibly Fucking Complicated.'"

Dec. 3, 2009
"Aloha! I'm Mr. Hand."

Nov. 30, 2009
"There is an art . . . to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

Nov. 8, 2009
"OK, I'm exaggerating, but that's what I do...better than anybody in the whole entire universe."

Oct. 31, 2009
"I love you guys in moderation."

Oct. 18, 2009
"Gee, that's really a bright green. I hope it isn't poison. That's $1.83"

Oct. 17, 2009
"[Saunders] is from Virginia so he's used to the cold weather."

Oct. 16, 2009
"Is it Abigail Breslin? Because her contract stipulates that no other little girl may appear in a theatrical production in this decade."

Oct. 15, 2009
"You've gotta be Falcon kidding me."

Oct. 9, 2009
"Bono-awareness rating for each nation."

Oct. 5, 2009
"Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome, or liked."

Sept. 24, 2009
"If I gave birth, right as the head came out I would quickly stand up and take a picture. It would make a cool queen of diamonds."

Sept. 18, 2009
"I am never concerned about what mothers are for. I am always concerned about what mothers are against."

Sept. 16, 2009
"You know in the 90s, when we quit a TV show, we actually left."

Sept. 15, 2009
"What are you most scared of in haunted houses? Giant baby heads? They live in bushes where rabbits can bit them."

Sept. 14, 2009
"Kanye...where is Serena with her tennis ball when we need her?"

Sept. 8, 2009
"In the last two years, I have started to love carrot cake and pumpkin pie, both of which I HATED before. Next thing you know I'll be taping Matlock on my VCR."

Sept. 7, 2009
"Are you sure you don't need any water? Man, you're like a cannibal!"

Sept. 6, 2009
"What are people that bites other people called again? Oh yeah, camels."

Sept. 2, 2009
"Katherine Heigl is the hottest ugly-name girl on TV since Marg Helgenberger."

Sept. 1, 2009
"It looks like it was written on birch bark with a seagull feather dipped in berry stain."

Aug. 30, 2009
"I think I'm gonna need plastic surgery."

Aug. 29, 2009
"Write your own ending and hope it comes true."

Aug. 28, 2009
"Summer has come to an ubrupt hault here - school has been in session for 7 days already!!!"

Aug. 27, 2009
"Poor guy. He's just not good with the words."

Aug. 16, 2009
"International Star Registry Accidentally Renames Sun 'Margaret'"

Aug. 15, 2009
"Bill Dickspeed? Ha ha! I said Dickspeed."

Aug. 6, 2009
"Good thing I never use sarcasm."

Aug. 5, 2009
"It's Keystones, not ketones."

Aug. 3, 2009
"If a candle factory burns down, I think it's disrespectful to memorialize the dead with a candlelight vigil. Does that make me vigil-anti?"

July 28, 2009
"I can count the number of hotties I saw on zero hands."

July 27, 2009
"NERF: cross-generational magic foam."

July 25, 2009
"In disturbing medical news, a new study of one thousand Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there actually were, upon closer scrutiny, only six hundred Americans involved in the study."

July 15, 2009
"You can't spell DeWitt without DWi."

July 11, 2009
"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are."

July 8, 2009
"Why is six afraid of seven?"

July 1, 2009
"This won't be held against you in a court of law. As opposed to, say, a court of tennis."

June 23, 2009
"Who are you going to kill?"

June 19, 2009
"People are always so proud about getting back on the horse. I wonder how the horses feel about this."

June 4, 2009
"The secret of life is 'keep your eye on the ball.'"

May 25, 2009
"AWW! My musbeard!"

May 15, 2009
"Daddy, can you jiggle your clown balls?"

May 14, 2009
"Jokes about overweight people are never funny."

May 13, 2009
"Your mama is so fat, she didn't have an air about her...because there wasn't any space."

May 5, 2009
"You mean in the husband thing?"

May 4, 2009
"Green...like the inside of my tookas."

May 1, 2009
"I am Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute! And, incidentally, the only guy that plays it now that Pan is dead. Not counting whoever played it for Duran Duran on 'Save a Prayer.'"

April 30, 2009
"The other people I hate [at the airport] are the people that get onto the moving walkway and just stand there like it's a ride. 'Excuse me, there's no animated pirates or bears along the way here. Do your legs work at all?'"

April 19, 2009
"Hey, Mike! $35.49 for a carton of Marlboros. You will never see prices like that again. If you're going to take up smoking, today's the day."

April 13, 2009
"Some days you're better off not leaving the tornado closet."

April 12, 2009
"Honey, the only other place we can go is Wal-Mart."

April 9, 2009
"An easy way to separate man from animals is his ability to reason. Another thing you could go by is last names. 'What's his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog, don't waste my time.'"

March 31, 2009
"Seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Won't you stop and remember me
At any convenient time"

March 3, 2009
"I'm not superstitious. But I am a little stitious."

Feb. 28, 2009
"There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door; I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world."

Feb. 26, 2009
"What a stupid brand name. When you're thinking about your period, are you really in the mood to see the word Always?"

Feb. 24, 2009
"I'm getting a little gun work in after school today."

Feb. 22, 2009
"When I was big, I will do that. Right now I'm still meteor."

Feb. 21, 2009
"My best advice to you is 'shut up.'"

Feb. 19, 2009
"The inventor of the taser died at age 88 today. I'm shocked."

Feb. 17, 2009
"Ovulation. The eggs sound so happy. Ovu-LATION! Why are the women so miserable?"

Feb. 11, 2009
"don't lose the dreams inside your head
they're only there until you're dead
dream"

Feb. 1, 2009
"You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team."

Jan. 28, 2009
"I'm not haphazard. I'm fullhazard."

-My friend Kaleena, describing a recent mishap.

Jan. 27, 2009
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but lead us not into temptation, so that you can live the life you imagine while you dance while nobody's watching cause you suck at dancing."

-Bill Zam's version of the annoying corporate signature addendum. In 16 point neon green Comic Sans font, of course.

Jan. 17, 2009
"No. It's a Never Mind."

-Bill Zam, answering the question, "Does your mind ever stop?"

Jan. 16, 2009
"Poor havoc. Always getting wreaked. Or wrought. It's been wroughten."

...Bill Zam cried.

Jan. 15, 2009
"We greatly apologize for any incontinence this error may have caused."

-A letter to my friend Kim from her subdivision, regarding the listing of an incorrect, earlier date for fees due. I bet that rent notice scared the shit out of people.

Jan. 14, 2009
"I bet they use only grass-fed, freshly killed shepherds."

-Bill Zam's response to a bar's claim of having "The best shepherds pie in the state."

Jan. 10, 2009
"I'm trying to slog my way through The Bible, if only to do better on Jeopardy. 2000 years of editing and it still sucks."

-Bill Zam, God-fearing man and book critic

Jan. 7, 2009
"It would be hilarious if it end up being coffee sold without lids."

-My friend Kaleena, referring to an article about a man trying to secure a permit for a topless coffee shop.

Jan. 6, 2009
"Can you lose a bout with insomnia by knockout?"

-Bill Zam

Jan. 3, 2009
"I would kill for Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks or any coffee not named Community Cafeteria Holiday Germfest Blend right now. And by 'kill,' I mean 'politely accept if someone offered me some and I didn't have to get up.'"

-Bill Zam

Dec. 24, 2008
"The thing is to try to do as much as you can in the time that you have. Remember, time is short, and suddenly, you're not here any more."

-The Ghost of Christmas Present, Scrooge (1970)

Dec. 22, 2008
"I'm guilty of being a sports traditionalist. I don't bring peach baskets to my son's basketball games, but you may find me setting picks in the bleachers."

-Bill Zam

Dec. 21, 2008
"Michael, what's your name again?"

-Jordan, age 2

Dec. 18, 2008
"We are fortunate to live in a time when there is an LOLCAT [i.e., excruciatingly cutesy cat picture online] for every possible circumstance."

-My very sarcastic friend Jim

Dec. 17, 2008
"Why do the Cialis people sit in open-air bathtubs on a cliff? Could this shrinkage-inducing setting explain why 'the moment isn't right...?'"

-My brother Tom

Dec. 15, 2008
"This place smells like formaldehyde! As opposed to informaldehyde, which is used for burying people who don't own suits."

-Bill Zam

Dec. 13, 2008
"If I take a raincheck, won't the ink run?"

-Bill Zam

Dec. 12, 2008
"Lose the tie."

-My friend Geoff's reaction to Jennifer Aniston's December 2008 GQ cover.

Dec. 11, 2008
"Fucking Doo, meet Whoop Dee."

-A non-plussed Bill Zam. This is an extremely irritating word, but I guess it's better than being plussed.

Dec. 9, 2008
"If he had a mullet, he'd look like a million bucks."

-Kaleena

Dec. 8, 2008
"I have a request for President Obama. With a slew of recent hurricanes attacking us, stop building the wall between United States and Mexico. Build a wall between United States and the Gulf of Mexico. Don't worry about the border fence. If the U.S economy keeps getting bad, Mexico might build that wall."

-Paraphrased quote from Comedian Sai Ranade's bit on Sirius Radio (Sai's Web site: www.mirthmystic.com)

Dec. 6, 2008
"Robbing banks. Sheer, attractive legs were a follow-up benefit."

-Bill Zam, offering a response to another man asking several girls the question, 'What are pantyhose FOR, anyway?'

Dec. 5, 2008
"I have a sore knee. Too much trapeze work, I think."

-Eavan Ocho Cinco

Dec. 4, 2008
"I am aghast at your comment. In fact, I am twoghast."

-Bill Zam

Dec. 2, 2008
"Have you seen the people in [warehouse shopping clubs]? It's like the bar scene from Star Wars."

-Comedian Bobby Collins

Dec. 1, 2008
"My blood hurts. You need to scoop it out with the vacuum."

-Jordan, age 2

Nov. 30, 2008
"I'm 37, I'm not old."

-Dennis, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Nov. 29, 2008
"I never really thought of myself as depressed as much as 'paralyzed by hope.'"

-Comedian Maria Bamford

Nov. 28, 2008
"When Black Friday falls you know it's got to be; Don't let it fall on me."

-Steely Dan

Nov. 27, 2008
"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

-Jon Stewart

Nov. 26, 2008
"She's nature's bounty."

-Andy, The Office, remarking on Anne Geddes-style photos he and Angela were taking of a baby in a horn o' plenty.

Nov. 22, 2008
"No. I wanna not die."

-Jordan, age 2, responding to the question, "Are you on a diet?"

Nov. 21, 2008
"This tastes baked with . Delicious! Note: I want to make sure you understood my emoticon right. if this is baked with actual hearts, I'm going to need a ride to the emergency room."

-Bill Zam complimenting a friend's apple pie by instant message

Nov. 15, 2008
"I want to be a burden to my children and I want to scare my grandchildren."

-Jeff Foxworthy

Nov. 14, 2008
"Can I get you anything while I'm out at lunch? Sundries, perhaps?"

-Eavan Ocho Cinco

Nov. 13, 2008
"It's like a TomTom for an untz untz."

-Kaleena, describing a new service that allows people to locate potential romantic partners with a Google Maps-type search.

Nov. 12, 2008
"Thanks to you, none of us can say that any more."

-Bill Zam, responding to the disco lyric "I like music, any kind of music!"

Nov. 11, 2008
"I wish it didn't have to be 'come Hell or high water,' because we could use a little bit of Hell to burn off the flooding."

-Bill Zam

Nov. 10, 2008
"Who's The Whore, God of Thunder?"

-Jordan, age 2, responding to his older brother's drawn-out description of Thor.

Nov. 9, 2008
"In a world...where there was no Don LaFontaine...we'd all have a lot more money."

-Greg O'Neill, Voiceover Actor

Nov. 8, 2008
"Uhhnf!"

-The sound I will make tomorrow when my friend punches me in the stomach for calling her "K.Co."

Nov. 7, 2008
"[My Ugg boots] were SOOOOOOO comfortable, like walking on baby lambs, and not having to deal with their crunching bones."

-K.Co

Nov. 6, 2008
"People are so dumb with their stupidness."

-My wife

Nov. 5, 2008
"Books aren't written -- they're rewritten. Including your own. It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after the seventh rewrite hasn't quite done it."

-Author Michael Crichton, who died yesterday of cancer at age 66.

Nov. 4, 2008
"Vote early and vote often!"

-Kim's enthusiastic (if illegal) Election Day online status message.

Nov. 3, 2008
"Why do weekends have to die so young?"

-Michael, age 9

Nov. 2, 2008
"Bill Zam sat in his car for an hour because unlike his coffee shop, he does not observe Daylight Savings."

-Bill Zam's Facebook status

Oct. 29, 2008
"Sidecars are for bitches."

-Sam, Garden State

Oct. 25, 2008
"Smokers will be pummeled with punishing blows all over their bodies."

-Ande Rooney sign seen in book store

Oct. 22, 2008
"Are your kids as funny as you? Or just embarrassed?"

-Kaleena

Oct. 21, 2008
"No."

-Bill Zam's wife (in case you were curious).

Oct. 21, 2008
"YOU weren't yelling 'daddy,' were you?"

-Bill Zam to wife, after hearing the cable man story.

Oct. 21, 2008
"Daddy!"

-Jordan, age 2, enthusiastically screaming after hearing the cable man's voice in my house while I was at work.

Oct. 16, 2008
"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

-Roald Dahl via Willy Wonka

Oct. 14, 2008
"The music on this conference call is great. Like techno folk music mixed with grocery store acoustics. With a hint of classic elevator."

-Kaleena

Oct. 13, 2008
"Carpe p.m."

-Brian's out-of-office message. He works days.

Oct. 10, 2008
"Pierce Bronson's in [Mamma Mia] and he can't sing at all."

-Woman in restaurant. Brosnan may not be able to put it to music, but I bet he can say his own name right.

Oct. 9, 2008
"If you're gonna be a dumbass, prepare for me to be derisive."

-Kim

Oct. 8, 2008
"Nice try, backtracker. Once you go 'oy' you never go back."

-My friend Kaleena ripping me for using the irksome phrase "oy ve," then trying to play it off.

Oct. 4, 2008
"WATCH YOUR STEP: DEAD GUY"

-Possible Bill Zam tombstone inscription

Oct. 1, 2008
"Always avoid alliteration."

-Unknown

Sept. 30, 2008
"Welcome to the greatest newsletter ever released from this household."

-Subscription confirmation notice for the Zamogram newsletter.

Sept. 29, 2008
"I didn't see you behind the pole."

-Man 1 to Man 2 after nearly cutting him in line for coffee. I have no idea how Man 1 knew I was Polish.

Sept. 23, 2008
"That guy knows 37 different ways to kill a man with his bare hands just by looking at him."

-Ed

Sept. 22, 2008
"Everything -- no olives, no tomatoes and none of these [gesturing broadly across what appeared to be the entire toppings bar]. Oh, and no salt and pepper."

-Guy at Subway restaurant on cellphone. Hey, dude, that's Merriam-Webster beeping in on call waiting with a definition of "everything."

Sept. 21, 2008
"I won't miss this place. It'll be in my heart."

-Yogi Berra on the closing of Yankee Stadium

Sept. 18, 2008
"I was sooo going to name my kid Orenthal until he ran into these legal problems in Vegas recently......."

-Geoff, whose wife is expecting

Sept. 9, 2008
"People underestimate how difficult it is to be a sarcastic prick all the time and still hold down a job."

-Bill Zam

Sept. 8, 2008
"I'm checking my Facebook instead of facing my checkbook."

-Paraphrased from Kris, who expertly paraphrased a clever cartoon by Joe Heller that appeared in The Hartford Courant. When you paraphrase me, please be sure to credit Mr. Heller.

Sept. 7, 2008
"I love you too, Batgirl."

-Jordan, age 2, ostensibly in a room by himself. I could swear I saw the flash of a blue cape by that window, however, which I don't remember being open before...

Aug. 31, 2008
"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead."

-Mark Twain

Aug. 28, 2008
"We made the switch to mini-van when we were expecting the second kid. We traded in our SUV and our dignity."

-Bill Zam

Aug. 22, 2008
"My experience with gas has been pretty good so far."

-This isn't the edgiest quote I've published, but the fact that it was uttered loudly by a man on a cellphone passing the line at a deli on his way to the restroom made it notable.

Aug. 21, 2008
"Yours isn't even a real state [school], so don't get me started. I don't recall "Ball" being in the re-released quarter series."

-Bill Zam, University of Connecticut alumnus, ribbing a friend about being a Ball State grad. She later revealed that Ball is indeed the 51st United State and, boy, did I feel silly.

Aug. 19, 2008
"I hope that when my life flashes before my eyes at the end, it's on TiVo and nobody is in the theater with me."

-Bill Zam

Aug. 18, 2008
"What she said really resignated with me."

-Overheard at a party. She's probably still getting paid by the last company she worked for because her bosses didn't understand her "letter of resonation."

Aug. 7, 2008
"I want everyone to feel comfortable; that's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus."

-Comedian Jim Gaffigan

Aug. 7, 2008
"Nothing says State Representative like a wifebeater."

-Lori, after seeing my journaliZam entry for Aug. 6.

Aug. 6, 2008
"Workplace violence alert: 'The document looked fine, but I’m lopping in Nigel just in case.' Off with Nigel's head!"

-Lori, responding to the e-mail typo above.

Aug. 1, 2008
"I've considered writing an anti-smoker article, but I'm concerned about the feedback. They're all cranky and have ready access to fire."

-Bill Zam

July 31, 2008
"QUIRK! Damn you! A fucking Jamie Quirk in every pack."

-Bill Zam, yelling at the TV screen after spotting the Colorado Rockies' bench coach approaching the mound. He's probably a fantastic guy, but when I was a kid trolling for star Yankees baseball cards, he was more common in Topps wax packs than gum.

July 30, 2008
"Wit is educated insolence."

-Aristotle (Note: this is not the actual day he said this. I'll have to check my records, but Aristotle may, in fact, be dead now.)

July 29, 2008
"I'll put that on my list of shows to get from Netflix. Which is on my List Of Things To Get Permission From My Wife To Sign Up For."

-Bill Zam

July 24, 2008
"Dad -- me have two whipples."

-Jordan, age 2, after taking his shirt off.

July 10, 2008
"Some dude just walked by with jeans so tight and tapered I expected him to roll them up at the bottom, grab his painters' cap and go get the other New Kids."

-Bill Zam

July 2, 2008
"Fuck my life."

-Jordan, age 2, parroting a line from the film Superbad, during which he was supposedly asleep. The kid voice made it sound more like "fuck my wife."

June 22, 2008
"When I die I don't want to be buried, and I don't want to be cremated. I wanna be BLOWN UP! 'There he goes! God love him.'"

-George Carlin, who went BOOM at age 71 today.

June 5, 2008
"Sounds like something you hear in the dressing room at a strip club."

-Bill Zam, following up on the comment below.

June 5, 2008
"Apparently Guarana and Mango don't like each other."

-Bill Zam, observing the peculiar mix of ingredients in a strangely flavored RockStar beverage.

June 4, 2008
"I've never seen somebody shoot themselves in the foot so many times that they needed to reload before falling down."

-Bill Zam

June 2, 2008
"It's such a fine line between stupid and clever."

-Spinal Tap

June 1, 2008
"S.O.B.! S.O.B.!"

-Michael, age 9, playing under a quilt with his baby brother. Apparently this stands for Save Our Blanket!

May 29, 2008
"Soooo meaty."

-Jordan, age 2, parroting the alluring female voice that introduces The Soup's "Chat Stew" segment. I'm up for Father of the Year.

May 19, 2008
"The girl I'm talking about would look like the woman you're referring to...in 48 years...after opening the Ark of the Covenant."

-Bill Zam, explaining a case of mistaken identity between two restaurant employees with very different levels of attractiveness.

May 17, 2008
"Diarrhea?"

-My wife's answer to my comment, "You never know when it's going to hit you." I meant writing inspiration, but since I disappeared for a half an hour it was an obvious mistake.

May 16, 2008
"Counting is my strongest math skill. After that it gets shaky."

-Bill Zam

May 15, 2008
"I'll be with you in spirit. In other words, jangling the chandeliers at your house and screaming 'Whoooooooo!' on windy nights after I'm dead."

-Bill Zam

May 13, 2008
"The fact that you have 'Jessie's Girl' on your iPod, perhaps from some flashback 80s collection, is no cause for alarm. But if you have 'Don't Talk to Strangers' you're going to need an intervention."

-Bill Zam, who needs an intervention himself for knowing two Rick Springfield songs

May 2, 2008
"We ran in some of the same college circles. And the running was very stumbly."

-Bill Zam

April 28, 2008
"Simpsons say 'Dope.'"

-Jordan, age 2, wearing a Homer Simpson "D'oh!" hat.

April 13, 2008
"I think I saw James Earl Jones go into the hedges."

-Bill Zam, responding to the quizzical looks of four people standing in my back yard when a baseball rolled in front of us, seemingly from thin air.

April 10, 2008
"I'd like to be a magnate one day, but I have to pick an unmagnated product. Are racquetballs taken? That sounds magnateable."

-Bill Zam. Eventually I settled on Twinkies on the recommendation of my friend Sara.

April 9, 2008
"I was going to ask if you would hold my hair back while I throw up."

-Bill Zam, describing an advanced state of nervousness to a female friend.

April 8, 2008
"I guess when I'm making a mental reminder, I can say 'Note to Bill Self.' At least it's better than 'Fire at Will.'"

-Bill Zam, discussing Kansas basketball coach Bill Self.

April 4, 2008
"I realize I'm going to Hell. That's why I'm moving south to build up a tolerance for heat."

-Bill Zam

April 1, 2008
"You should try to Louis Armstrong it because the rule is 'you heave, you leave.'"

-Paraphrased from Crazy Legs Conti, Competitive Eating Champion, coaching ESPNRadio host Mike Golic for an upcoming food challenge.

March 31, 2008
"Hey! You got chocolate in my peanut butter!"

-A man bumping into me coming off the elevator. Note: it was not 1978 at the time.

March 19, 2008
"Congratulations Yoko Ono, assassins, cancer and one-legged gold-diggers -- you're no longer the worst thing that's happened to the Beatles."

-Joel McHale (The Soup) reviewing an American Idol contestant's maiming of the lyrics to "We Can Work It Out."

March 18, 2008
"That's not bad, right? The way I parked?"

-A guy on the street who had parked his car on the curb so that the tail end was almost to the dividing center line and the side was at an angle just slightly below the car used in Diamonds Are Forever.

March 17, 2008
"I'm sorry, I was being obtuse; i.e., the angle of my joke was greater than 90 degrees."

-Bill Zam

March 13, 2008
"Yes, I do agree it's redundant in some casees. Just like the extra E in casees. "

-Bill Zam acknowledging a typo.

March 4, 2008
"Didn't she almost have it all?"

-Lori, during a conversation about the perception of Whitney Houston then vs. now. I know, my content is so topical and timely.

March 2, 2008
"Why did you decide to get high-speed Internet?"

-Overheard in public. I didn't catch the answer, but I imagine it went something like "Because I just upgraded from cassette to CD and it seemed like the right time."

March 1, 2008
"I would have had a 10, but the tough Romanian judge gave me a 9.9 for the hiccup in my salchow."

-Bill Zam, responding to a friend who declined a coffee invitation because he had a meeting, saying "I got a 10."

Feb. 29, 2008
"It's either Franklin D. Roosevelt or Useless S. Grant."

-Michael, age 8, playing a Money Match Up puzzle in a childrens almanac.

Feb. 28, 2008
"It's great because I can lay around the house all stinky and shitty."

-A guy promoting the benefits of working from home to an attractive female co-worker. Hey man, I get the "don't have to press a suit" analogy, but if you're trying to impress the ladies, perhaps crapping yourself isn't the way to go.

Feb. 27, 2008
"Your articles are amazing, and I appreciate the reality that makes them come to life. More attribution to me would be nice."

-My brother, a professional musician. In return for this prime area of Internet attribution, I expect only a 38-verse "Ode to Bill" to be performed live in return.

Feb. 25, 2008
"Not my spine. Please laser other side."

-Bill Zam's recommendation for what a friend should write on his sternum prior to back surgery.

Feb. 24, 2008
"Dude, nobody says that any more."

-Michael, age 8, to a guy on his cellphone calling a DVD player "off the HOOK."

Feb. 22, 2008
"My system is flickering in and out and I'm afraid I'm going to lose power. If so I'll instant message you."

-A co-worker with either cutting-edge technology or a lousy excuse.

Feb. 20, 2008
"When the punishment is muted out..."

-Caller on talk radio. That kind of punishment is unheard of.

Feb. 17, 2008
"There's fabric in the desert?"

-Michael, age 8, responding to a video game's dramatic intro about "the very fabric of the desert [being] torn."

Feb. 16, 2008
"The bed is made...of cotton, leather..."

-Michael, age 8, after being asked to make his bed. I don't whether to be thrilled that he's growing up just as sarcastic as me or disappointed that he thinks beds are made of leather.

Feb. 11, 2008
"I caved the first week like a cheap suit."

-Overheard in conversation. That conversation is all over now. All over like a gift horse barking up the wrong tree.

Feb. 9, 2008
"'Hold your fire'? What are we, paying by the laser now?"

-Death Star employee Terry, from the Family Guy Blue Harvest episode

Feb. 8, 2008
"...but I think you know what I mena. That was supposed to be 'mean,' but I think you know what I mena."

-Bill Zam, making ameands for a typo.

Feb. 7, 2008
"I have a 'Best If Used By...' date of 1990."

-Bill Zam explaining his age to a younger friend.

Feb. 6, 2008
"Talk about Joker, Joker...and the Triple."

-ESPN broadcaster Mike Greenberg, regarding stomach problems caused by Super Bowl overindulgence.

Feb. 5, 2008
"Nubble!"

-Yelled by Jordan, age 2, after smashing me in the face with an elbow after a running start and what appeared to be a triple-jump. I think "Nubble" must be short for "Nose Rubble."

Feb. 4, 2008
"Even the Giants are saying this morning, 'I'm glad we won, but I'm sorry we have to listen to Mercury Morris for the next four months.'"

-Colin Cowherd, ESPN broadcaster, reflecting on Morris' never-ending celebration of the 1972 Miami Dolphins' perfect season.

Feb. 3, 2008
"The offense -- the strength of this Patriots team -- got debacled."

-Emmitt Smith's post-game analysis of Super Bowl XVII

Jan. 31, 2008
"I'll do it after I'm done proofreadign."

-Bill Zam, clearly not done proofreading.

Jan. 30, 2008
"TalkingTts.doc"

-Title of a Word document given to me by a work associate named Todd. Turns out it's not the medical miracle you'd expect, just the wrong abbreviation for talking points. "Hey, Todd, not to nip-pick, but you made a spelling error."

Jan. 29, 2008
"I have a big Woody and a little Buzz."

-Luke, age 3

Jan. 28, 2008
"Whoa! Who busted a grumpy up in here?"

-Michael, age 8, back-pedaling out of a bathroom. The best euphemism I've heard since "dropping the kids off at the pool."

Jan. 26, 2008
"Why are the servers called waiters? What the heck? We're the ones doing all the waiting."

-Michael, age 8

Jan. 25, 2008
"i've been doing pilates religiously for two weeks now. more religiously in fact than i have been treating regular religion, in that i practice pilates daily and attend church services every other year."

-My friend SJ

Jan. 24, 2008
"Does your wife know about Sarah?"

-My brother, noting the preponderance of Sarah quotes in my quote archive. Truth is, both Sarah and her husband Jim are just eminently quotable and happen to work with me. But just in case -- don't tell my wife.

Jan. 23, 2008
"Seriously, though. the B.O. lingers long after the person is gone. [pause] That is almost a quote from a Poison song."

-Sarah

Jan. 22, 2008
"That is the way my brain works. I make educated confusions all the time."

-Sarah, explaining a phenomenon I frequently experience when I make a mistake by knowing too much for my own good and not enough to get out of it.

Jan. 21, 2008
"Of all the bands that sound like Stone Temple Pilots trying to imitate Pearl Jam, Creed is my favorite."

-Bill Zam

Jan. 20, 2008
"My eyes...they're BURNING!"

-Michael, age 8, catching sight of a huge guy in the Sam's Club parking lot loading his car and exposing, as Dave Chappelle once so delicately put it, "more crack than Harlem."

Jan. 19, 2008
"Spit alert at 1 o'clock...12 o'clock...12:38!"

-Michael, age 8, warning with increasing panic of a fast-moving toddler on his way to the kitchen, mid-regurgitation.

Jan. 17, 2008
"Zam was...known mainly as a scorer in high school."

-I wish. Unfortunately, this is from the South Carolina Gamecocks Web site and is about Gamecocks basketball player Zam Fredrick. Where'd he get such a crazy name? Ask his father, Zam, Sr.

Jan. 14, 2008
"My feeling [about politicians] is, as long as you can funnel an ungodly amount of unnecessary funding to my district, you can spend your off days with your cock stapled to a leper for all I care."

-Jon Stewart

Jan. 9, 2008
"I'm all for naught. I love me some naught. I'm naught by nature. However, I should clarify -- that's not cuz I hate ya."

-Bill Zam's Treach-erous response to the comment, "my preceding statements may have all been for naught."

Jan. 7, 2008
"Kofi Annan?"

-Bill Zam, asking a co-worker by instant message if she wants to get coffee soon (coffee anon?). Clearly the caffeine has fried my brain.

Jan. 5, 2008
"Uckle...shoot...fours...Uckle...kick...butt...Uckle...kick...balls."

-Jordan, age 1, giving a recap of brother Michael's 4-basket performance

Jan. 4, 2008
"Hello. My name is President Spankenheimer, and this is my butler, Banshee Barty."

-Michael, 8 years old, wearing the shell of a Darth Vader helmet (sans mask) and carrying a Bart Simpson toy.

Jan. 3, 2008
"Meet me on the corner of close and soon
I’ll have a song in my head
And my hands on a tune
Nothing lasts forever
So I figure I better
Take you forever
For now"

-Harry Connick, Jr.

Jan. 2, 2008
"Fuck, no."

-Bill Zam, when asked "Are you one of those people I shouldn't swear in front of?"

Jan. 1, 2008
"Converting 'Man to Woman'"

-iTunes, which reports its activity while converting the file format of the song titles on my computer. I love my Apple computer, but I had no idea it was that powerful.

Dec. 31, 2007
"Maybe they should call them utini glasses."

-Bill Zam, remarking on a friend's purchase of miniature martini glasses. For the less geeky, "utini" is what the Jawas yell when they, among other things, kidnap R2D2. For the ungeeky, Jawas are the little hooded dudes with glowing eyes in Star Wars. Like the glasses, the Jawas are small. I bet they yell "Utini!" when the ball drops on New Year's Eve.

Dec. 26, 2007

-When you reverse the Reversible Safety Mat, does it become unsafe?

Dec. 25, 2007
"Smiling is my favorite!"

-Will Ferrell, Elf

Dec. 21, 2007
Lorry has a pea body and a nice ASS.

-Seen in a mall parking lot.

Dec. 20, 2007
"The Army is replacing its 'Army of One' slogan with 'Army Strong.' Apparently, they’ve hired the Incredible Hulk as their new marketing manager."

-James Joyner, outsidethebeltway.com. This right-wing site is definitely not a place you'd find me visiting without the Army slogan Google search I was doing, but I loved the quote.

Dec. 18, 2007
"Bill's the worst."

-My friend Jeff. I think he meant I was the worst, as in, "he's the worst when it comes to pulling crazy practical jokes at work." Then again, maybe he's not my "friend" Jeff after all.

Dec. 14, 2007
"Even fifthwith would be fine. It's not due until next week."

-Bill Zam, responding to a colleague who promised to provide information forthwith.

Dec. 12, 2007
"[The hyphen is] now popping up in places where it was never used before, as in the ubiquitous 'Time to top-up your mobile'."

-Source: a British article of unknown origin my friend sent me about the overuse (over-use?) of hyphens in the English language. I don't know what's funnier: the fact that "top-up your mobile" is a ubiquitous phrase somewhere, or that I exchange grammar articles with my friends.

Dec. 10, 2007
"Yes. Right now you're thinking how disappointed you are that you didn't go back to see Gigli in the theater a second time."

-Bill Zam to a friend who asked, "Are you a mind reader?"

Dec. 5, 2007
"We appreciate your addiction."

-Bongo Java [coffee] Roasting Company

Dec. 4, 2007
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

-Dave Barry

Dec. 1, 2007
"I'm going to put on some rubber-soled shoes in anticipation of the lightning."

-Bill Zam, preparing for God's wrath after dubbing a woman "The Ugly" (after The Good, The Bad and The Ugly) based on her tendency to wear a Mexican-style poncho for no apparent reason.

Nov. 30, 2007
"We at billzam.com know that laughter is the best medicine (except for fast-acting, long-lasting Afrin) and we therefore guarantee you a healthy dose of idiocy every month from now until the first time somebody calls in sick on newsletter day."

-Quote written weeks ago for today's debut Zamogram newsletter; a day on which Bill Zam is coincidentally violently ill and not at work.

Nov. 29, 2007
"STUFFED PAININI"

-Cafeteria sign. When it's spelled painini, I don't even want to know where they stuff it.

Nov. 28, 2007
"Yeah I don't know, maybe there is a goodminton."

-Strong Bad, from www.homestarrunner.com

Nov. 27, 2007
"I forgot my cellphone again. If any of my bitches call, can you give them my work number?"

-Bill Zam to his wife.

Nov. 26, 2007
"I had no idea you were such a blogaholic. Meaning, addicted to blogahol."

-Sarah

Nov. 21, 2007
"If I were aliens, I would totally fuck with people by making crop circles."

-Bill Zam to Jim.

Nov. 21, 2007
"Don't be silly! Aliens made the crop circles."

-Jim to Bill Zam.

Nov. 21, 2007
"This probably goes without saying, but please don't tell my wife about the present. Or, for that matter, that I am single-handedly responsible for the crop circles."

-Bill Zam to friend Jim.

Nov. 20, 2007
"...frond..."

-Bill Zam. Who needs context? I used 'frond' in a sentence. There, I did it again!

Nov. 19, 2007
"Suddenly, without warning, emergency strikes."

-Dramatic voice-over from Discovery Channel documentary on sea expeditions. These documentarians apparently prefer to be notified of their emergencies well in advance.

Nov. 15, 2007
"I agree with you on all counts (Basie, Monte Cristo and Chocula)."

-Bill Zam

Nov. 14, 2007
"I like to use 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable."

-Demetri Martin

Nov. 10, 2007
"What do I have to do to get a quote on your site?"

-Lori

Nov. 9, 2007
"I love baby carrots but I think it's cruel how they raise them in confined spaces."

-Bill Zam

Nov. 6, 2007
"You are just too twisted for color TV."

-Kim reacting to one of my jokes. Apparently this comes from the movie Steel Magnolias, which is "a story about the close-knit relationships between six ordinary Southern women, living in a small town in Louisiana," which explains why I had never heard it before.

Nov. 5, 2007
"Wait, in a perfect world, wouldn't there be no cancer?"

-Heather, responding to a phrase in a health insurance training lamenting the fact that those with cancer frequently experience delays in referral to a physician: "in a perfect world, members with cancer would be referred right away."

Nov. 4, 2007
"Exit 6...turn left at Home Depot."

-Bill Zam, parodying Bob Marley & the Wailers' "Exodus...movement of Jah people."

Nov. 3, 2007
"So there is actually meat in those?"

-Sarah's sarcastic remark about this line in my latest article: "I am filled with gratitude every time I gaze upon your glorious gift of the Hickory Farms Sausage Delights Assortment, despite being a vegan."

Nov. 2, 2007
"His knees are entirely slap-free."

-Bill Zam, on an acquaintance with zero sense of humor.

Nov. 1, 2007
"My eyelash hurts."

-Luke, age 3

Oct. 31, 2007
"I'm not Batman. I'm just some freak with a cape!"

-Dan, a college acquaintance, at a Halloween party. Both my 5'2" roommate and Dan had dressed up as Batman and Dan was quibbling over who should be the real Batman, until I emerged from the crowd (at 6'4") in my Robin costume.

Oct. 29, 2007
"Your columns are nothing but a pack of (admittedly witty and well-written) lies."

-Jeff

Oct. 28, 2007
"Their parking space is 36D and ours is 36B, so theirs is obviously bigger."

-Sarah

Oct. 27, 2007
"Idiots isn't the adjective I was going to use [to describe those idiots]!"

-Overheard in an office. I could think of some choice nouns to describe the guy who said that.

Oct. 25, 2007
"Actually, I'm wearing my new Buffalo! aftershave."

-Bill Zam, in a crowded corporate elevator, in response to one passenger asking another, "Mmm...that smells good. Is that chicken?"

Oct. 22, 2007
"Roma Nose Macaroni Grill. Who the heck wants grilled macaroni?"

-Michael, age 8

Oct. 21, 2007
"I regret that I have but one corn dog for your bag lunch."

-Bill Zam to son Michael before field trip to Nathan Hale Homestead

Oct. 15, 2007
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

-Steven Wright

Oct. 14, 2007
"I think he looks like one of the eight dwarves. No, I think it was the seven dwarves: Smiley, Maddy, Grumpy, Laughy, Littley, Smarty and oh yeah, Laughy. And Drama and Grude."

-Michael, age 8, on how cute his baby brother looks in a winter hat.

Oct. 13, 2007
"God, I heart the Zam."

-Kate, responding to one of my jokes. If I ever have a fan club, I hope that goes on the T-shirts.

Oct. 10, 2007
"I am the biggest talent this side of the Connecticut River. By weight."

-Bill Zam, responding to a compliment from a reader.

Oct. 9, 2007
"I think I fractured my spleen!"

-Logan, age 8, after a strenuous laugh.

Oct. 8, 2007
"When she named her kid Andrew Steve Dion I should have been suspicious."

-Bill Zam, on Marion Jones' admission of steroid use.

Oct. 5, 2007
"It doesn't matter whether they win or lose...they're still my favorite team."

-Michael, age 8, on whether he would subject himself to ridicule by wearing his Yankees jersey to school after a playoff defeat.

Oct. 4, 2007
"He's about as good-looking as a wall-eyed trout."

-Kim, who provides consistent entertainment by teaching me what it sounds like south of the Mason-Dixon line.

Oct. 2, 2007
"Golly gee, the fucking calls don't stop."

-Guy on the street, with a message as morally mixed as the name Beaver Cleaver.

Sept. 28, 2007
"Can I get a mullet on this one?"

-Michael, age 8, looking for a do-over after hitting the ball out of bounds in miniature golf.

Sept. 19, 2007
"I am running low on rock and roll novelty mirrors."

-Jim, on whether he would attend the Big E, a large Northeastern fair featuring a host of typical midway carnival games.

Sept. 10, 2007
[paraphrased] "The pharmacy was closed and they wouldn't open up, no matter how many times I banged on the glass. With lawn furniture."

-Stephen Colbert, on his feverish attempts to get more painkillers for his injured wrist.

Sept. 8, 2007
"Does that mean our team slogan is 'We Suck'?"

-Bill Zam, to his son's soccer coach, upon learning the team is sponsored by Quality Vacuum and Appliance.

Sept. 7, 2007
"I shun you."

-ESPN Radio broadcaster Mike Golic to co-host Mike Greenberg, succinctly wrapping up a heated debate about shunning, booing and shunning boo-ers.

Sept. 6, 2007
"How the sweet bastard do I do that?"

-Sara.

Aug. 25, 2007
"If there's one thing I never learn, it's a lesson."

-Jim.

Aug. 24, 2007
"The one saving grace in my life is that I do not have ready access to a microphone at my job."

-Jim, to my musician brother.

Aug. 23, 2007
"No one should take themselves so seriously
With many years ahead to fall in line
Why would you wish that on me?
I never want to act my age
What's my age again?"

-Blink 182

Aug. 22, 2007
"We've got verbal constipation...let's start throwing things."

-Ned's Atomic Dustbin

Aug. 15, 2007
"I told my wife, 'Honey, I'm going to be making out with Michelle Pfeiffer today. But I'm going to be thinking about...Michelle Pfeiffer.'"

-Actor Paul Rudd on his role in I Could Never Be Your Woman [paraphrased from an article I read but can't find]

Aug. 14, 2007
"Well, that kind of puts the damper on even a Yankee win."

-Phil Rizzuto, commenting on the death of Pope Paul VI on August 6, 1978. Rizzuto dampened eyes yesterday, passing at age 89.

Aug. 3, 2007
"CONSTRUCTION VEHICLE -- DO NOT FOLLOW"

-Sign on a dumptruck we were hopelessly trapped behind on a highway access road. I wonder how many criminals have escaped the police using such clever signage.

Aug. 2, 2007
"Got a cow leg in my back pocket!"

-Phrase used by a resident at a nursing home several times before the employees realized that meant he needed to use the bathroom.

Aug. 1, 2007
"What's up, Betty?"

-Bill Zam attempting to greet his infant son Jordan, unable to master the complexity of either the word "baby" or "buddy."

July 29, 2007
"UFUK"

-Name brand on a Turkish carpet that was gifted to me by a relative in Iraq. It's luxuriously soft, so I guess we'll have to give it a try.

July 28, 2007
"Look, I'm levitating."

-Michael, age 8, observing himself on videotape in contemplative thought.

July 22, 2007
"I will put you in overhead storage and make you fit."

-Coffee shop employee to co-worker during heated John Mayer vs. Jack Johnson debate. In my opinion, John Mayer wins easily, unless you're talking about Jack Johnson (1878 - 1946), first black heavyweight Champion of the World. In that case, Johnson in 10 by TKO, but only if Mayer is permitted to use his guitar as a weapon.

July 20, 2007
"Shut the fuck up. It's my Web site. Besides, what kind of ass uses the word 'bevy?'"

-Bill Zam, remarking on the bevy of July 20th quotes.

July 20, 2007
"Isn't it supposed to be 'Today's Quote,' singular?"

-Bill Zam, remarking on the bevy of July 20th quotes.

July 20, 2007
"A big half-round of applause for Kevin!"

-Bill Zam, in appreciation of the retort below.

July 20, 2007
"What say you?"

-Kevin, responding to the joke below above the din of the jovial knights and bonnie lasses that work at my office.

July 20, 2007
"Is Lancelot in the bathroom?"

-Bill Zam, arriving at happy hour and finding his friends cavorting loudly at a gargantuan half-circle of an oaken table.

July 19, 2007
"If it were not for the company of fools, a witty man would often be greatly at a loss. "

-François Duc De La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680), French writer, moralist

July 14, 2007
"Is spice the plural of spouse?"

-Sara

July 12, 2007
"...hung like Charlie Brown..."

-The full phrase from my column this month is "Watching him return from the mailbox, head hung like Charlie Brown, was too much to handle." But the way it wrapped in the document produced the disturbing image above.

July 7, 2007
"Enjoy the rest of Hur-Ben."

-My mother, mocking my brother for renting the lengthy Ben-Hur and accidentally watching the second side of the double-sided DVD first.

July 3, 2007
"Jimmy Bucket."

-Luke, age 3, when asked to name his father's favorite singer. No report on whether he's related to Charlie and Grandpa Joe.

July 1, 2007
"PLEASE EXIT WHEN DOORS OPEN"

-Sign on elevator panel. After several painful collisions, I finally figured it out and lived to write this.

June 30, 2007
"ACURA"

-License plate seen on a Honda Accord.

June 6, 2007
"Sweet Buddha, that's freaking funny."

-Stolen from Kim, who hijacked it from a college friend, who clearly bogarted it from a major ideology.

June 5, 2007
"Do you think Wolverine and Ben Vereen are brothers?"

-Bill Zam

May 30, 2007
"Tell me about that Conjugation Station thing again."

-My friend Sara, reminding several acquaintances how old we are, while attempting to reference Schoolhouse Rock's "Conjunction Junction."

May 28, 2007
"No mixing!"

-Warning from door clerk at Sam's Club on Memorial Day, after spotting me with whole milk and fruit punch.

May 22, 2007
"Johnson Rubber Company"

-Isn't that a bit redundant? But if that's not enough, here's an excerpt from their company description:

"Throughout our history, Johnson Rubber has relied upon innovation and quality to satisfy our customers..., from design to manufacture to testing. Whether you need components for vibration isolation, ... motion accommodation or some other function,...we will supply a solution, one that delivers maximum performance."

Where do I submit my application?

May 19, 2007
"[They need to get] Vasco da Gama. Maybe they'll find the fountain of youth!"

-Ken Rosenthal, field reporter for Major League Baseball on Fox, commenting on who was best positioned to replace Joe Torre as Yankees manager. No word on whether Rosenthal has "discovered" his encyclopedia yet.

May 17, 2007
"Annual Awads Meeting"

-Seen on the "Today's Events" section of a convention center.

May 15, 2007
"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."

-Maya Angelou

May 4, 2007
"My husband and my dog have essentially the same personality."

-Lady on the street, without any hint of sarcasm.

May 3, 2007
"What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk?"

-Alanis Morissette's angsty, sarcastic ballad version of the Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps."

April 30, 2007
"KA-CHUNK"

-The sound made by the door to the Connecticut Convention Center on a Monday afternoon, four days after I wrote about how the Center was making the first step toward turning Hartford from a locked-down ghost town into a bustling center of activity. It was closed for a "non-event" day.

April 26, 2007
"Do what you love, love what you do."

-Origin unknown, though frequently attributed to Life is Good clothing. It also smacks of cheesy slogans like "Easy Does It" and "Dance Like Nobody's Watching," but that's the mood I'm in today. If you don't like it I will be forced to have the cat from the irreverent "Hang In There, Baby!" poster claw you about the head and neck.

April 25, 2007
"If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine."

-The Soup's Joel McHale on Sanjaya Malakar's American Idol elimination

April 24, 2007
"Memory is often less about the truth than about what we want it to be."

-David Halberstam

April 21, 2007
"Shit. Shit. Shit."

-Jordan, age 1, while pointing to every object in his bedroom. We think he's trying to ask, "What's THIS?" since he's got all the right letters. However, it's possible he just doesn't like any of his toys.

April 20, 2007
"Pale is the new tan."

-Slogan on the T-shirt of the Indian girl where I get my take-out Indian food

April 19, 2007
"Jenny's having the best sex of her life."

-Jim Carrey on his relationship with Jenny McCarthy

April 18, 2007
"Yo! It's first love at sight!"

-Smooth talker casually trying to pick up girl across busy city street

April 17, 2007
"We're learning new things every day in the last 24 hours."

-Wolf Blitzer on CNN's The Situation Room

April 14, 2007
"Many people say that George Bush's presidency is a disaster. I don't agree with that. It's a massive understatement. It's like calling Paris Hilton a whore."

-Writer/comedian/actor Andy Borowitz, creator of The Borowitz Report, at the 2007 National Writers Workshop.

April 11, 2007
"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion . . . . I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward."

-Kurt Vonnegut, who died today at age 84.

April 9, 2007
"Anything that's not an act of God is a conspiracy."

-A relative of mine, or a quote from one of the millions of old movies he's seen.

April 8, 2007
"Is 'Genius' a soda or a beer?"

-Michael, age 8, after spotting a Guinness in the refrigerator. Brilliant!

April 7, 2007
"Done Screech kick my ass in a boxing ring."

-Microsoft Word spell-check's suggested changes to Bill Zam's writing. I can't even begin to explain.

April 4, 2007
"Sarcasm keeps you from telling people what you really think of them."

-Seen on a button.

March 29, 2007
"I didn't mean to turn you on."

-Robert Palmer, 1985.

"I didn't mean to turn you on."

-Michael, 2007, age 8, to an electronic Sesame Street ball that came to life when he accidentally kicked it. Pouty, heavily made up models nowhere to be found.

March 15, 2007
"Can you get fat from eating too many diet pills?"

-Bill Zam

March 13, 2007
"PEN IS

IN URINAL"

-Note I left taped to the wall at work today when I discovered somebody had dropped a ballpoint pen in the toilet.

March 11, 2007
"It may shock you, but this is the first legally binding contract I've been required to sign with a 'Walk Like an Egyptian' clause."

-Bill Zam to roller rink manager, regarding the birthday party contract that also included adhering to strict couples skate and Hokey Pokey mandates.

March 9, 2007
"Maybe 'support' should have been in quotes."

-My friend Jim, reflecting on this sign:

Central Row Pizza last day of business is 2/16/07. Thank you for your support.

March 8, 2007
"Stable of geeks."

-My friend Amy's pet name for the IT help desk at her company.

March 1, 2007
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."

-Pancho Villa (1877-1923), last words (courtesy of a Good Earth tea bag).

Feb. 28, 2007
"They arrived as boys. They died as bastards!"

-Michael, age 7, while watching "Smallville." No, both he and I have no idea what he meant either.

Feb. 26, 2007
"This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom."

-Melissa Etheridge, referring to her Oscar for "I Need to Wake Up" from "An Inconvenient Truth (courtesy of Entertainment Weekly).

Feb. 25, 2007
"I think I see a few Americans as well. 'Course I'm talking about the seat fillers. No one can fill a seat like an American, huh?"

-Ellen DeGeneres, praising the international broadness of the 79th Academy Awards nominees.

Feb. 12, 2007
"I get to be the Christ! You know, the guy who says the prayers and stuff."

-An oddly upbeat Michael, age 7, rushing excitedly to the bathroom for a dead fish flushing ceremony.

Feb. 9, 2007
"And the award for most painful company name goes to -- cinch those belts, boys -- 'Harness, Dickey and Pierce.'"

-Bill Zam, reaching new heights of immaturity in referencing an actual law firm.

Jan. 31, 2007
"Maybe somebody yelled 'Sweep the leg, Johnny!' during the recording of the audio commentary for Stuart Little and Lipnicki took him out."

-Bill Zam, when asked by a friend to explain why Hugh Laurie has a limp on the show 'House' but didn't have one when appearing in the Stuart Little movies with Jonathan Lipnicki.

Jan. 27, 2007
"Never swim until 30 minutes after eating, unless your ship has hit an iceberg and you have to find Kate Winslet."

-A friendly reminder from Bill Zam to his editor

Jan. 24, 2007
"Candice Bergen will not change?"

-My wife, upon mis-hearing the "Freebird" lyric, "and this bird will not change."

Jan. 18, 2007
"If I lived at her house, I'd have those runway headphones on AND the orange flashlights."

-Bill Zam, on trying to silence a loud, talkative friend

Jan. 16, 2007
"CREDIT AND BEBET MACHINE BROKEN PLEASE PAY INSIDE"

-Actual sign, TYPED and posted on multiple pumps at a local gas station.

Jan. 5, 2007
"True comic genius is achieved not by saying funny things, but by saying things funny."

-Jeff Labrecque, Entertainment Weekly

Jan. 1, 2007
"Grandpa, this dinner is absolutely delinquent."

-Michael, age 7

Dec. 31, 2006
"Dad, did you know there are actually rings around Uranus?"

-Michael, age 7

Nov. 30, 2006
"'And you, you're William...You write for the Chronicle, a good enough column. I've heard more about you than I'd care to tell.'"

-from Ray Bradbury's "Dandelion Wine"

Nov. 29, 2006
"A fish rots from the head down."

-Mark "Stink" Schlereth, ESPN Radio, on how a team's failure starts with its leader

Nov. 26, 2006
"He gave me an eye five."

-Michael, age 7, after being bitch-slapped by his infant brother.

Nov. 22, 2006
"You've got to eat a lot to build up strength. You don't want to be unprepared on game day!"

-Sara, at a day-before-Thanksgiving office party.

Nov. 21, 2006
"She has a long talk pullcord.”

-Luke's observation about a woman, who, once she starts talking, cannot be stopped.

Nov. 7, 2006
"I got two words: peek-a-boo."

-Kevin Federline, on whether wife Britney Spears dances for him. [Sirius Satellite Maxim Radio, Covino and Rich Show, 11/3/06]

Nov. 2, 2006
"That Lee Horsley sure is rugged."

-Bill Zam, during a discussion about alphabetically similar television shows Manimal, The Master and Matt Houston with friends Brian and Jeff.

Nov. 1, 2006
"Atlanta Falcons defensive end John Abraham will undergo surgery to his lower abdominal missile. That is, muscle. He's not having any surgery on the missile."

-Bob Picozzi, ESPN Radio sportscaster

Oct. 31, 2006
"[Let's not] beat a dead horse to death."

-Michael Irvin during Monday Night Football halftime show

Oct. 11, 2006
"Congralutions Jeef"

-Writing on a cake presented to my friend Jeff for many years in a Quality Team role. The bakery employee's spelling was unintentional.

Oct. 11, 2006
"I'm not saying it's because of my mom but it's because of my mom."

-Gerry, on why he found it necessary to post pictures of his kid on the Web

Oct. 10, 2006
"I wish there was a knob on the TV so that you could turn up the intelligence. They have one marked 'brightness' but it doesn't work."

-Gallagher

Oct. 9, 2006
"[stalling bedtime in his best Twiki-esque robot voice]: "Eemeeneemeeneemee... robots eat Jesus!"

-Luke, age 2

Oct. 8, 2006
"I know the biggest names in all of the sports. Basketball: Michael Jordan. Baseball: Derek Jeter. Soccer: Mia Hamm (or is it George Bush?). Football: Manny Peyton."

-Michael, age 7

Oct. 2, 2006
"They see me rolling...they hating...patrolling and trying to catch me writing dirty"

-Zamillionaire

Oct. 1, 2006
"Golf is a good walk spoiled."

-Mark Twain

"PSP golf is a good dump spoiled."

-Bill Zam

Sept. 21, 2006
"Unleash your sarcastic bloggisms upon the minions."

-Jeff

Sept. 20, 2006
"Reviews of my site have been both insightful and straightforward. Like Yoda in a stroller with the front wheels locked in the no-turn position."

-Bill Zam

20060905
"Crikey."

-Steve Irwin

20060812
"That car looks kind of shafty. Although I have no idea what that means."

-Michael, age 7

20060805
"You're so dirty [from doing yard work] you're going to need 20 hose to clean you off."

-Michael, age 7

20060801
"Kill yourself on your own time."

-Karina, regarding a man who was rescued from a suicide attempt by a good samaritan

20060729
"I like this [baseball] bat. It doesn't hurt my hands. I feel empowered."

-Michael, age 7

20060718
"I beat Grandma in Scramble. I mean Scrapple."

-Michael, age 7, on his Scrabble victory

20060717
"I thought the 'forsophagus' was the space between your bulls and your butt. Are you gonna put that on your Web site?"

-Michael, age 7

20060712
"From the specific comes the universal."

-The prophet Isaiah