Jan. 6, 2009
"Can you lose a bout with insomnia by knockout?"

-Bill Zam

Jan. 3, 2009
"I would kill for Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks or any coffee not named Community Cafeteria Holiday Germfest Blend right now. And by 'kill,' I mean 'politely accept if someone offered me some and I didn't have to get up.'"

-Bill Zam

Dec. 24, 2008
"The thing is to try to do as much as you can in the time that you have. Remember, time is short, and suddenly, you're not here any more."

-The Ghost of Christmas Present, Scrooge (1970)

Dec. 22, 2008
"I'm guilty of being a sports traditionalist. I don't bring peach baskets to my son's basketball games, but you may find me setting picks in the bleachers."

-Bill Zam

Dec. 21, 2008
"Michael, what's your name again?"

-Jordan, age 2

Dec. 18, 2008
"We are fortunate to live in a time when there is an LOLCAT [i.e., excruciatingly cutesy cat picture online] for every possible circumstance."

-My very sarcastic friend Jim

Dec. 17, 2008
"Why do the Cialis people sit in open-air bathtubs on a cliff? Could this shrinkage-inducing setting explain why 'the moment isn't right...?'"

-My brother Tom

Dec. 15, 2008
"This place smells like formaldehyde! As opposed to informaldehyde, which is used for burying people who don't own suits."

-Bill Zam

Dec. 13, 2008
"If I take a raincheck, won't the ink run?"

-Bill Zam

Dec. 12, 2008
"Lose the tie."

-My friend Geoff's reaction to Jennifer Aniston's December 2008 GQ cover.

Dec. 11, 2008
"Fucking Doo, meet Whoop Dee."

-A non-plussed Bill Zam. This is an extremely irritating word, but I guess it's better than being plussed.

Dec. 9, 2008
"If he had a mullet, he'd look like a million bucks."

-Kaleena

Dec. 8, 2008
"[With all these hurricanes], America should stop focusing on building a wall between the United States and Mexico and start building one between the United States and the Gulf of Mexico. In fact, if the U.S. economy gets any worse, Mexico is going to build a wall."

-Comedian Sai Ranade [paraphrased]

Dec. 5, 2008
"I have a sore knee. Too much trapeze work, I think."

-Eavan Ocho Cinco

Dec. 4, 2008
"I am aghast at your comment. In fact, I am twoghast."

-Bill Zam

Dec. 2, 2008
"Have you seen the people in [warehouse shopping clubs]? It's like the bar scene from Star Wars."

-Comedian Bobby Collins

Dec. 1, 2008
"My blood hurts. You need to scoop it out with the vacuum."

-Jordan, age 2

Nov. 30, 2008
"I'm 37, I'm not old."

-Dennis, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Nov. 29, 2008
"I never really thought of myself as depressed as much as 'paralyzed by hope.'"

-Comedian Maria Bamford

Nov. 28, 2008
"When Black Friday falls you know it's got to be; Don't let it fall on me."

-Steely Dan

Nov. 27, 2008
"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

-Jon Stewart

Nov. 26, 2008
"She's nature's bounty."

-Andy, The Office, remarking on Anne Geddes-style photos he and Angela were taking of a baby in a horn o' plenty.

Nov. 22, 2008
"No. I wanna not die."

-Jordan, age 2, responding to the question, "Are you on a diet?"

Nov. 21, 2008
"This tastes baked with . Delicious! Note: I want to make sure you understood my emoticon right. if this is baked with actual hearts, I'm going to need a ride to the emergency room."

-Bill Zam complimenting a friend's apple pie by instant message

Nov. 15, 2008
"I want to be a burden to my children and I want to scare my grandchildren."

-Jeff Foxworthy

Nov. 14, 2008
"Can I get you anything while I'm out at lunch? Sundries, perhaps?"

-Eavan Ocho Cinco

Nov. 13, 2008
"It's like a TomTom for an untz untz."

-Kaleena, describing a new service that allows people to locate potential romantic partners with a Google Maps-type search.

Nov. 12, 2008
"Thanks to you, none of us can say that any more."

-Bill Zam, responding to the disco lyric "I like music, any kind of music!"

Nov. 11, 2008
"I wish it didn't have to be 'come Hell or high water,' because we could use a little bit of Hell to burn off the flooding."

-Bill Zam

Nov. 10, 2008
"Who's The Whore, God of Thunder?"

-Jordan, age 2, responding to his older brother's drawn-out description of Thor.

Nov. 9, 2008
"In a world...where there was no Don LaFontaine...we'd all have a lot more money."

-Greg O'Neill, Voiceover Actor

Nov. 8, 2008
"Uhhnf!"

-The sound I will make tomorrow when my friend punches me in the stomach for calling her "K.Co."

Nov. 7, 2008
"[My Ugg boots] were SOOOOOOO comfortable, like walking on baby lambs, and not having to deal with their crunching bones."

-My friend K.Co

Nov. 6, 2008
"People are so dumb with their stupidness."

-My wife

Nov. 5, 2008
"Books aren't written -- they're rewritten. Including your own. It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after the seventh rewrite hasn't quite done it."

-Author Michael Crichton, who died yesterday of cancer at age 66.

Nov. 4, 2008
"Vote early and vote often!"

-My friend Kim's enthusiastic (if illegal) Election Day online status message.

Nov. 3, 2008
"Why do weekends have to die so young?"

-Michael, age 9

Nov. 2, 2008
"Bill Zam sat in his car for an hour because unlike his coffee shop, he does not observe Daylight Savings."

-Bill Zam's Facebook status

Oct. 29, 2008
"Sidecars are for bitches."

-Sam, Garden State

Oct. 25, 2008
"Smokers will be pummeled with punishing blows all over their bodies."

-Ande Rooney sign seen in book store

Oct. 22, 2008
"Are your kids as funny as you? Or just embarrassed?"

-My friend Kaleena

Oct. 21, 2008
"No."

-Bill Zam's wife (in case you were curious).

Oct. 21, 2008
"YOU weren't yelling 'daddy,' were you?"

-Bill Zam to wife, after hearing the cable man story.

Oct. 21, 2008
"Daddy!"

-Jordan, age 2, enthusiastically screaming after hearing the cable man's voice in my house while I was at work.

Oct. 16, 2008
"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

-Roald Dahl via Willy Wonka

Oct. 14, 2008
"The music on this conference call is great. Like techno folk music mixed with grocery store acoustics. With a hint of classic elevator."

-My friend Kaleena

Oct. 13, 2008
"Carpe p.m."

-My friend Brian's out-of-office message. He works days.

Oct. 10, 2008
"Pierce Bronson's in [Mamma Mia] and he can't sing at all."

-Woman in restaurant. Brosnan may not be able to put it to music, but I bet he can say his own name right.

Oct. 9, 2008
"If you're gonna be a dumbass, prepare for me to be derisive."

-My friend Kim

Oct. 8, 2008
"Nice try, backtracker. Once you go 'oy' you never go back."

-My friend Kaleena ripping me for using the irksome phrase "oy ve," then trying to play it off.

Oct. 4, 2008
"WATCH YOUR STEP: DEAD GUY"

-Possible Bill Zam tombstone inscription

Oct. 1, 2008
"Always avoid alliteration."

-Unknown

Sept. 29, 2008
"I didn't see you behind the pole."

-Man 1 to Man 2 after nearly cutting him in line for coffee. I have no idea how Man 1 knew I was Polish.

Sept. 23, 2008
"That guy knows 37 different ways to kill a man with his bare hands just by looking at him."

-My friend Ed

Sept. 22, 2008
"Everything -- no olives, no tomatoes and none of these [gesturing broadly across what appeared to be the entire toppings bar]. Oh, and no salt and pepper."

-Guy at Subway restaurant on cellphone. Hey, dude, that's Merriam-Webster beeping in on call waiting with a definition of "everything."

Sept. 21, 2008
"I won't miss this place. It'll be in my heart."

-Yogi Berra on the closing of Yankee Stadium

Sept. 18, 2008
"I was sooo going to name my kid Orenthal until he ran into these legal problems in Vegas recently......."

-My friend Geoff, whose wife is expecting

Sept. 9, 2008
"People underestimate how difficult it is to be a sarcastic prick all the time and still hold down a job."

-Bill Zam

Sept. 8, 2008
"I'm checking my Facebook instead of facing my checkbook."

-Paraphrased from my friend Kris, who expertly paraphrased a clever cartoon by Joe Heller that appeared in The Hartford Courant. When you paraphrase me, please be sure to credit Mr. Heller.

Sept. 7, 2008
"I love you too, Batgirl."

-Jordan, age 2, ostensibly in a room by himself. I could swear I saw the flash of a blue cape by that window, however, which I don't remember being open before...

Aug. 31, 2008
"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead."

-Mark Twain

Aug. 28, 2008
"We made the switch to mini-van when we were expecting the second kid. We traded in our SUV and our dignity."

-Bill Zam

Aug. 22, 2008
"My experience with gas has been pretty good so far."

-This isn't the edgiest quote I've published, but the fact that it was uttered loudly by a man on a cellphone passing the line at a deli on his way to the restroom made it notable.

Aug. 21, 2008
"Yours isn't even a real state [school], so don't get me started. I don't recall "Ball" being in the re-released quarter series."

-Bill Zam, University of Connecticut alumnus, ribbing a friend about being a Ball State grad. She later revealed that Ball is indeed the 51st United State and, boy, did I feel silly.

Aug. 19, 2008
"I hope that when my life flashes before my eyes at the end, it's on TiVo and nobody is in the theater with me."

-Bill Zam

Aug. 18, 2008
"What she said really resignated with me."

-Overheard at a party. She's probably still getting paid by the last company she worked for because her bosses didn't understand her "letter of resonation."

Aug. 7, 2008
"I want everyone to feel comfortable; that's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus."

-Comedian Jim Gaffigan

Aug. 7, 2008
"Nothing says State Representative like a wifebeater."

-My friend Lori, after seeing my journaliZam entry for Aug. 6.

Aug. 6, 2008
"Workplace violence alert: 'The document looked fine, but I’m lopping in Nigel just in case.' Off with Nigel's head!"

-My friend Lori, responding to the e-mail typo above.

Aug. 1, 2008
"I've considered writing an anti-smoker article, but I'm concerned about the feedback. They're all cranky and have ready access to fire."

-Bill Zam

July 31, 2008
"QUIRK! Damn you! A fucking Jamie Quirk in every pack."

-Bill Zam, yelling at the TV screen after spotting the Colorado Rockies' bench coach approaching the mound. He's probably a fantastic guy, but when I was a kid trolling for star Yankees baseball cards, he was more common in Topps wax packs than gum.

July 30, 2008
"Wit is educated insolence."

-Aristotle (Note: this is not the actual day he said this. I'll have to check my records, but Aristotle may, in fact, be dead now.)

July 29, 2008
"I'll put that on my list of shows to get from Netflix. Which is on my List Of Things To Get Permission From My Wife To Sign Up For."

-Bill Zam

July 24, 2008
"Dad -- me have two whipples."

-Jordan, age 2, after taking his shirt off.

July 2, 2008
"Fuck my life."

-Jordan, age 2, parroting a line from the film Superbad, during which he was supposedly asleep. The kid voice made it sound more like "fuck my wife."

June 22, 2008
"When I die I don't want to be buried, and I don't want to be cremated. I wanna be BLOWN UP! 'There he goes! God love him.'"

-George Carlin, who went BOOM at age 71 today.

June 5, 2008
"Sounds like something you hear in the dressing room at a strip club."

-Bill Zam, following up on the comment below.

June 5, 2008
"Apparently Guarana and Mango don't like each other."

-Bill Zam, observing the peculiar mix of ingredients in a strangely flavored RockStar beverage.

June 4, 2008
"I've never seen somebody shoot themselves in the foot so many times that they needed to reload before falling down."

-Bill Zam

June 2, 2008
"It's such a fine line between stupid and clever."

-Spinal Tap

June 1, 2008
"S.O.B.! S.O.B.!"

-Michael, age 9, playing under a quilt with his baby brother. Apparently this stands for Save Our Blanket!

May 29, 2008
"Soooo meaty."

-Jordan, age 2, parroting the alluring female voice that introduces The Soup's "Chat Stew" segment. I'm up for Father of the Year.

May 19, 2008
"The girl I'm talking about would look like the woman you're referring to...in 48 years...after opening the Ark of the Covenant."

-Bill Zam, explaining a case of mistaken identity between two restaurant employees with very different levels of attractiveness.

May 17, 2008
"Diarrhea?"

-My wife's answer to my comment, "You never know when it's going to hit you." I meant writing inspiration, but since I disappeared for a half an hour it was an obvious mistake.

May 16, 2008
"Counting is my strongest math skill. After that it gets shaky."

-Bill Zam

May 15, 2008
"I'll be with you in spirit. In other words, jangling the chandeliers at your house and screaming 'Whoooooooo!' on windy nights after I'm dead."

-Bill Zam

May 13, 2008
"The fact that you have 'Jessie's Girl' on your iPod, perhaps from some flashback 80s collection, is no cause for alarm. But if you have 'Don't Talk to Strangers' you're going to need an intervention."

-Bill Zam, who needs an intervention himself for knowing two Rick Springfield songs

May 2, 2008
"We ran in some of the same college circles. And the running was very stumbly."

-Bill Zam

April 28, 2008
"Simpsons say 'Dope.'"

-Jordan, age 2, wearing a Homer Simpson "D'oh!" hat.

April 13, 2008
"I think I saw James Earl Jones go into the hedges."

-Bill Zam, responding to the quizzical looks of four people standing in my back yard when a baseball rolled in front of us, seemingly from thin air.

April 10, 2008
"I'd like to be a magnate one day, but I have to pick an unmagnated product. Are racquetballs taken? That sounds magnateable."

-Bill Zam. Eventually I settled on Twinkies on the recommendation of my friend Sara.

April 9, 2008
"I was going to ask if you would hold my hair back while I throw up."

-Bill Zam, describing an advanced state of nervousness to a female friend.

April 8, 2008
"I guess when I'm making a mental reminder, I can say 'Note to Bill Self.' At least it's better than 'Fire at Will.'"

-Bill Zam, discussing Kansas basketball coach Bill Self.

April 1, 2008
"You should try to Louis Armstrong it because the rule is 'you heave, you leave.'"

-Paraphrased from Crazy Legs Conti, Competitive Eating Champion, coaching ESPNRadio host Mike Golic for an upcoming food challenge.

March 31, 2008
"Hey! You got chocolate in my peanut butter!"

-A man bumping into me coming off the elevator. Note: it was not 1978 at the time.

March 19, 2008
"Congratulations Yoko Ono, assassins, cancer and one-legged gold-diggers -- you're no longer the worst thing that's happened to the Beatles."

-Joel McHale (The Soup) reviewing an American Idol contestant's maiming of the lyrics to "We Can Work It Out."

March 18, 2008
"That's not bad, right? The way I parked?"

-A guy on the street who had parked his car on the curb so that the tail end was almost to the dividing center line and the side was at an angle just slightly below the car used in Diamonds Are Forever.

March 17, 2008
"I'm sorry, I was being obtuse; i.e., the angle of my joke was greater than 90 degrees."

-Bill Zam

March 13, 2008
"Yes, I do agree it's redundant in some casees. Just like the extra E in casees. "

-Bill Zam acknowledging a typo.

March 4, 2008
"Didn't she almost have it all?"

-My friend Lori, during a conversation about the perception of Whitney Houston then vs. now. I know, my content is so topical and timely.

March 2, 2008
"Why did you decide to get high-speed Internet?"

-Overheard in public. I didn't catch the answer, but I imagine it went something like "Because I just upgraded from cassette to CD and it seemed like the right time."

March 1, 2008
"I would have had a 10, but the tough Romanian judge gave me a 9.9 for the hiccup in my salchow."

-Bill Zam, responding to a friend who declined a coffee invitation because he had a meeting, saying "I got a 10."

Feb. 29, 2008
"It's either Franklin D. Roosevelt or Useless S. Grant."

-Michael, age 8, playing a Money Match Up puzzle in a childrens almanac.

Feb. 28, 2008
"It's great because I can lay around the house all stinky and shitty."

-A guy promoting the benefits of working from home to an attractive female co-worker. Hey man, I get the "don't have to press a suit" analogy, but if you're trying to impress the ladies, perhaps crapping yourself isn't the way to go.

Feb. 27, 2008
"Your articles are amazing, and I appreciate the reality that makes them come to life. More attribution to me would be nice."

-My brother, a professional musician. In return for this prime area of Internet attribution, I expect only a 38-verse "Ode to Bill" to be performed live in return.

Feb. 25, 2008
"Not my spine. Please laser other side."

-Bill Zam's recommendation for what a friend should write on his sternum prior to back surgery.

Feb. 24, 2008
"Dude, nobody says that any more."

-Michael, age 8, to a guy on his cellphone calling a DVD player "off the HOOK."

Feb. 20, 2008
"When the punishment is muted out..."

-Caller on talk radio. That kind of punishment is unheard of.

Feb. 17, 2008
"There's fabric in the desert?"

-Michael, age 8, responding to a video game's dramatic intro about "the very fabric of the desert [being] torn."

Feb. 16, 2008
"The bed is made...of cotton, leather..."

-Michael, age 8, after being asked to make his bed. I don't whether to be thrilled that he's growing up just as sarcastic as me or disappointed that he thinks beds are made of leather.

Feb. 11, 2008
"I caved the first week like a cheap suit."

-Overheard in conversation. That conversation is all over now. All over like a gift horse barking up the wrong tree.

Feb. 9, 2008
"'Hold your fire'? What are we, paying by the laser now?"

-Death Star employee Terry, from the Family Guy Blue Harvest episode

Feb. 8, 2008
"...but I think you know what I mena. That was supposed to be 'mean,' but I think you know what I mena."

-Bill Zam, making ameands for a typo.

Feb. 7, 2008
"I have a 'Best If Used By...' date of 1990."

-Bill Zam explaining his age to a younger friend.

Feb. 6, 2008
"Talk about Joker, Joker...and the Triple."

-ESPN broadcaster Mike Greenberg, regarding stomach problems caused by Super Bowl overindulgence.

Feb. 5, 2008
"Nubble!"

-Yelled by Jordan, age 2, after smashing me in the face with an elbow after a running start and what appeared to be a triple-jump. I think "Nubble" must be short for "Nose Rubble."

Feb. 4, 2008
"Even the Giants are saying this morning, 'I'm glad we won, but I'm sorry we have to listen to Mercury Morris for the next four months.'"

-Colin Cowherd, ESPN broadcaster, reflecting on Morris' never-ending celebration of the 1972 Miami Dolphins' perfect season.

Feb. 3, 2008
"The offense -- the strength of this Patriots team -- got debacled."

-Emmitt Smith's post-game analysis of Super Bowl XVII

Jan. 31, 2008
"I'll do it after I'm done proofreadign."

-Bill Zam, clearly not done proofreading.

Jan. 29, 2008
"I have a big Woody and a little Buzz."

-Luke, age 3

Jan. 28, 2008
"Whoa! Who busted a grumpy up in here?"

-Michael, age 8, back-pedaling out of a bathroom. The best euphemism I've heard since "dropping the kids off at the pool."

Jan. 26, 2008
"Why are the servers called waiters? What the heck? We're the ones doing all the waiting."

-Michael, age 8

Jan. 25, 2008
"i've been doing pilates religiously for two weeks now. more religiously in fact than i have been treating regular religion, in that i practice pilates daily and attend church services every other year."

-My friend SJ

Jan. 24, 2008
"Does your wife know about Sarah?"

-My brother, noting the preponderance of Sarah quotes in my quote archive. Truth is, both Sarah and her husband Jim are just eminently quotable and happen to work with me. But just in case -- don't tell my wife.

Jan. 23, 2008
"Seriously, though. the B.O. lingers long after the person is gone. [pause] That is almost a quote from a Poison song."

-My friend Sarah.

Jan. 22, 2008
"That is the way my brain works. I make educated confusions all the time."

-My friend Sarah, explaining a phenomenon I frequently experience when I make a mistake by knowing too much for my own good and not enough to get out of it.

Jan. 21, 2008
"Of all the bands that sound like Stone Temple Pilots trying to imitate Pearl Jam, Creed is my favorite."

-Bill Zam

Jan. 20, 2008
"My eyes...they're BURNING!"

-Michael, age 8, catching sight of a huge guy in the Sam's Club parking lot loading his car and exposing, as Dave Chappelle once so delicately put it, "more crack than Harlem."

Jan. 19, 2008
"Spit alert at 1 o'clock...12 o'clock...12:38!"

-Michael, age 8, warning with increasing panic of a fast-moving toddler on his way to the kitchen, mid-regurgitation.

Jan. 17, 2008
"Zam was...known mainly as a scorer in high school."

-I wish. Unfortunately, this is from the South Carolina Gamecocks Web site and is about Gamecocks basketball player Zam Fredrick. Where'd he get such a crazy name? Ask his father, Zam, Sr.

Jan. 14, 2008
"My feeling [about politicians] is, as long as you can funnel an ungodly amount of unnecessary funding to my district, you can spend your off days with your cock stapled to a leper for all I care."

-Jon Stewart

Jan. 9, 2008
"I'm all for naught. I love me some naught. I'm naught by nature. However, I should clarify -- that's not cuz I hate ya."

-Bill Zam's Treach-erous response to the comment, "my preceding statements may have all been for naught."

Jan. 7, 2008
"Kofi Annan?"

-Bill Zam, asking a co-worker by instant message if she wants to get coffee soon (coffee anon?). Clearly the caffeine has fried my brain.

Jan. 4, 2008
"Hello. My name is President Spankenheimer, and this is my butler, Banshee Barty."

-Michael, 8 years old, wearing the shell of a Darth Vader helmet (sans mask) and carrying a Bart Simpson toy.

Jan. 3, 2008
"Meet me on the corner of close and soon
I’ll have a song in my head
And my hands on a tune
Nothing lasts forever
So I figure I better
Take you forever
For now"

-Harry Connick, Jr.

Jan. 2, 2008
"Fuck, no."

-Bill Zam, when asked "Are you one of those people I shouldn't swear in front of?"

Jan. 1, 2008
"Converting 'Man to Woman'"

-iTunes, which reports its activity while converting the file format of the song titles on my computer. I love my Apple computer, but I had no idea it was that powerful.

20071231
"Maybe they should call them utini glasses."

-Bill Zam, remarking on a friend's purchase of miniature martini glasses. For the less geeky, "utini" is what the Jawas yell when they, among other things, kidnap R2D2. For the ungeeky, Jawas are the little hooded dudes with glowing eyes in Star Wars. Like the glasses, the Jawas are small. I bet they yell "Utini!" when the ball drops on New Year's Eve.

20071226

-When you reverse the Reversible Safety Mat, does it become unsafe?

20071225
"Smiling is my favorite!"

-Will Ferrell, Elf

20071221
Lorry has a pea body and a nice ASS.

-Seen in a mall parking lot.

20071220
"The Army is replacing its 'Army of One' slogan with 'Army Strong.' Apparently, they’ve hired the Incredible Hulk as their new marketing manager."

-James Joyner, outsidethebeltway.com. This right-wing site is definitely not a place you'd find me visiting without the Army slogan Google search I was doing, but I loved the quote.

20071218
"Bill's the worst."

-My friend Jeff. I think he meant I was the worst, as in, "he's the worst when it comes to pulling crazy practical jokes at work." Then again, maybe he's not my "friend" Jeff after all.

20071214
"Even fifthwith would be fine. It's not due until next week."

-Bill Zam, responding to a colleague who promised to provide information forthwith.

20071212
"[The hyphen is] now popping up in places where it was never used before, as in the ubiquitous 'Time to top-up your mobile'."

-Source: a British article of unknown origin my friend sent me about the overuse (over-use?) of hyphens in the English language. I don't know what's funnier: the fact that "top-up your mobile" is a ubiquitous phrase somewhere, or that I exchange grammar articles with my friends.

20071210
"Yes. Right now you're thinking how disappointed you are that you didn't go back to see Gigli in the theater a second time."

-Bill Zam to a friend who asked, "Are you a mind reader?"

20071205
"We appreciate your addiction."

-Bongo Java [coffee] Roasting Company

20071204
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

-Dave Barry

20071201
"I'm going to put on some rubber-soled shoes in anticipation of the lightning."

-Bill Zam, preparing for God's wrath after dubbing a woman "The Ugly" (after The Good, The Bad and The Ugly) based on her tendency to wear a Mexican-style poncho for no apparent reason.

20071130
"We at billzam.com know that laughter is the best medicine (except for fast-acting, long-lasting Afrin) and we therefore guarantee you a healthy dose of idiocy every month from now until the first time somebody calls in sick on newsletter day."

-Quote written weeks ago for today's debut Zamogram newsletter; a day on which Bill Zam is coincidentally violently ill and not at work.

20071129
"STUFFED PAININI"

-Cafeteria sign. When it's spelled painini, I don't even want to know where they stuff it.

20071128
"Yeah I don't know, maybe there is a goodminton."

-Strong Bad, from www.homestarrunner.com

20071127
"I forgot my cellphone again. If any of my bitches call, can you give them my work number?"

-Bill Zam to his wife.

20071126
"I had no idea you were such a blogaholic. Meaning, addicted to blogahol."

-My friend Sarah

20071121
"If I were aliens, I would totally fuck with people by making crop circles."

-Bill Zam to Jim.

20071121
"Don't be silly! Aliens made the crop circles."

-Jim to Bill Zam.

20071121
"This probably goes without saying, but please don't tell my wife about the present. Or, for that matter, that I am single-handedly responsible for the crop circles."

-Bill Zam to friend Jim.

20071120
"...frond..."

-Bill Zam. Who needs context? I used 'frond' in a sentence. There, I did it again!

20071119
"Suddenly, without warning, emergency strikes."

-Dramatic voice-over from Discovery Channel documentary on sea expeditions. These documentarians apparently prefer to be notified of their emergencies well in advance.

20071115
"I agree with you on all counts (Basie, Monte Cristo and Chocula)."

-Bill Zam

20071110
"What do I have to do to get a quote on your site?"

-My friend Lori

20071106
"You are just too twisted for color TV."

-My friend Kim reacting to one of my jokes. Apparently this comes from the movie Steel Magnolias, which is "a story about the close-knit relationships between six ordinary Southern women, living in a small town in Louisiana," which explains why I had never heard it before.

20071105
"Wait, in a perfect world, wouldn't there be no cancer?"

-My friend Heather, responding to a phrase in a health insurance training lamenting the fact that those with cancer frequently experience delays in referral to a physician: "in a perfect world, members with cancer would be referred right away."

20071104
"Exit 6...turn left at Home Depot."

-Bill Zam, parodying Bob Marley & the Wailers' "Exodus...movement of Jah people."

20071103
"So there is actually meat in those?"

-My friend Sarah's sarcastic remark about this line in my latest article: "I am filled with gratitude every time I gaze upon your glorious gift of the Hickory Farms Sausage Delights Assortment, despite being a vegan."

20071102
"His knees are entirely slap-free."

-Bill Zam, on an acquaintance with zero sense of humor.

20071101
"My eyelash hurts."

-Luke, age 3

20071031
"I'm not Batman. I'm just some freak with a cape!"

-Dan, a college acquaintance, at a Halloween party. Both my 5'2" roommate and Dan had dressed up as Batman and Dan was quibbling over who should be the real Batman, until I emerged from the crowd (at 6'4") in my Robin costume.

20071029
"Your columns are nothing but a pack of (admittedly witty and well-written) lies."

-Feedback from my friend Jeff

20071025
"Actually, I'm wearing my new Buffalo! aftershave."

-Bill Zam, in a crowded corporate elevator, in response to one passenger asking another, "Mmm...that smells good. Is that chicken?"

20071015
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

-Steven Wright

20071014
"I think he looks like one of the eight dwarves. No, I think it was the seven dwarves: Smiley, Maddy, Grumpy, Laughy, Littley, Smarty and oh yeah, Laughy. And Drama and Grude."

-Michael, age 8, on how cute his baby brother looks in a winter hat.

20071013
"God, I heart the Zam."

-My friend Kate responding to one of my jokes. If I ever have a fan club, I hope that goes on the T-shirts.

20071010
"I am the biggest talent this side of the Connecticut River. By weight."

-Bill Zam, responding to a compliment from a reader.

20071009
"I think I fractured my spleen!"

-Logan, age 8, after a strenuous laugh.

20071008
"When she named her kid Andrew Steve Dion I should have been suspicious."

-Bill Zam, on Marion Jones' admission of steroid use.

20071005
"It doesn't matter whether they win or lose...they're still my favorite team."

-Michael, age 8, on whether he would subject himself to ridicule by wearing his Yankees jersey to school after a playoff defeat.

20071004
"He's about as good-looking as a wall-eyed trout."

-My friend Kim, who provides consistent entertainment by teaching me what it sounds like south of the Mason-Dixon line.

20071002
"Golly gee, the fucking calls don't stop."

-Guy on the street, with a message as morally mixed as the name Beaver Cleaver.

20070928
"Can I get a mullet on this one?"

-Michael, age 8, looking for a do-over after hitting the ball out of bounds in miniature golf.

20070919
"I am running low on rock and roll novelty mirrors."

-My friend Jim, on whether he would attend the Big E, a large Northeastern fair featuring a host of typical midway carnival games.

20070910
[paraphrased] "The pharmacy was closed and they wouldn't open up, no matter how many times I banged on the glass. With lawn furniture."

-Stephen Colbert, on his feverish attempts to get more painkillers for his injured wrist.

20070908
"Does that mean our team slogan is 'We Suck'?"

-Bill Zam, to his son's soccer coach, upon learning the team is sponsored by Quality Vacuum and Appliance.

20070907
"I shun you."

-ESPN Radio broadcaster Mike Golic to co-host Mike Greenberg, succinctly wrapping up a heated debate about shunning, booing and shunning boo-ers.

20070906
"How the sweet bastard do I do that?"

-My friend Sara.

20070825
"If there's one thing I never learn, it's a lesson."

-My friend Jim.

20070824
"The one saving grace in my life is that I do not have ready access to a microphone at my job."

-My friend Jim, to my musician brother.