July 15, 2010 - Washington Post
"Vatican Issues New Guidelines"

el nueve nuevo - Nine New Vatican Guidelines

1. Thanks to the Vatican City Buffalo Wild Wings' new "5th Day Happy Hour Hoedown," eating meat on a Friday is now permitted. Blasphemous meat consumption has been moved to Wednesday.
2. The papal mitre (a.k.a. pope hat) will now be equipped with a chin-strap, two cupholders and straws for the blood of Christ.
3. For 'recruiting' purposes, effective January 2011, the Vatican will be moved to Hogwarts.
4. Based on the embarrassing implications, priests should henceforth avoid asking the congregation to "Please kneel."
5. Priests are now permitted to wear red robes during Spaghetti Dinner Saturday to reduce the papal laundry.
6. Female priests are now considered equal, respected members of the Christian faith. Haha! Just kidding, they're still little more than slaves.
7. After close to a century of exhausting re-usage, priests are now forbidden to say, "Do you want fries with that?" when sliding open the confessional window.
8. "Thou shalt not kill" has been removed to make way for a more serious Commandment, "Thou shalt not use 'TGIF' as your Facebook status."
9. The Spanish Inquisition is back! Nobody expected that, did they?

July 13, 2010 - Apple Word of the Day screensaver
"maunder (v.): talk in a rambling manner"

v.: To turn clothes mauve by mixing light and dark loads, as when letting a man launder

June 29, 2010 - Apple Word of the Day screensaver
"impair"

n.: Two leprechauns.

June 29, 2010 - Apple Word of the Day screensaver
"erratic"

adj.: Describes the plot of a pornographic film: stimulating but all over the fucking place.

June 28, 2010 - Yahoo! News
"Vatican endorses 'The Blues Brothers'"

"I've been dying to see how you're going to spin the story about the Vatican endorsing the Blues Brothers movie!"

Thanks to Kris for the heads up! I think the endorsement must have come on the heels of the release of the latest version of the DVD. Spinning...

el nueve nuevo - Nine New Lines for the Blues Brothers blu-ray Special Papal Edition

Old Line(s)	New Line(s)
Elwood: And some dry white toast please.	Elwood: And some dry white host please.
Corrections Officer: One Timex digital watch, broken. One unused prophylactic. One soiled.	Corrections Officer: One Timex digital watch, broken. One unused prophylactic. The way all prophylactics should be.
Elwood: It's a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. What do you say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?	Elwood: It's a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. What do you say, is it the new Popemobile or what?
Jake: Curtis, I don't want to listen to no jive-ass preacher talking to me about Heaven and Hell.	Jake: Curtis, I really want to listen to a jive-ass preacher talking to me about Heaven and Hell.
Reverend Cleophus James: HAVE YOU SEEEEN THE LIGHT? Jake: YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST... I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!	Reverend Cleophus James: HAVE YOU SEEEEN THE LIGHT? Jake: YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST... I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT! [no change]
Mr. Fabulous: It's a fucking barn. We'll never fill it.	Mr. Joseph: It's an inn -- and it's full. We'll have to stay in the fucking barn. Mary: Who said anything about fucking?
Jake: [to Sister Mary Stigmata] Five grand? No problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go, Elwood. Sister Mary Stigmata: No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!	Jake: [to Sister Mary Stigmata] Five grand? No problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go, Elwood. Sister Mary Stigmata: On behalf of the church, we thank you and look the other way.
Jake: [fakes accent] How much for the little girl? How much for the women? Father: What? Jake: Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children.	Father Flanagan: [fakes accent] How much for the little boy? How much for the lads? Jake: What? Father Flanagan: Your boys. I want to buy your boys. The little boy, your sons... sell them to me. Sell me your children.
Elwood: We're on a mission from God.	Elwood: We're on a Vatican-sanctioned mission from God.

June 27, 2010 - Apple Word of the Day screensaver
"horripilation"

n.: Bad hair day.

June 25, 2010 - InsuranceNewsNet.com
"EMU Sticks To 0-0-0 Percent Theme With No Increase In Fees For Student Health Insurance Or For Child Care Tuition"

Wow! Looking at emus, you would have no idea they had that kind of intelligence.

June 4, 2010 - Seattle Times
"Man accidentally shoots himself in testicles"

This link, about a man who injured himself while shopping at Lowe's Home Improvement, was sent to me by my friend Jen with this note:

"How did this not make your cut? 'Accidental discharge??' This has your name written all over it!"

Thanks, Jen! I love a challenge.

el nueve nuevo - Nine New Headlines for 'Man accidentally shoots himself in testicles'

1. A New Definition of Lowe Balling
2. Excuse Me, Where are the Ball Bearings?
3. Do You Want a Bag For These?
4. Do You Feel Lucky, Junk?
5. From "Second Amendment" to "Amending Two"
6. Man Goes Ballistic in Hardware Store
7. Suddenly Plaxico Burress Looks Smart
8. Bolts are in Aisle 12; Nuts in Aisles 12 and 13
9. Lowe's Featuring 20% Off Tools

May 14, 2010 - E! Online (@eonline, Twitter)
"Greyson Chance gets some advice from Lady Gaga"

Hopefully it was not Hats You Should Wear to the Grammy Awards.

Re-animated Johnny Cash looks pretty pissed next to her, but Sgt. Pepper (behind) really can't talk about loud outfits.

April 16, 2010 - Wordsmith.org A.Word.A.Day
"maffick (MAF-ik): To celebrate boisterously."

Or, this boisterous celebrator's first choice of spelling before somebody "corrected" him:

March 24, 2010 - Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day
"hummock \HUM-uk\ (n.)"

A blowjob in a bed made of rope mesh tied between two trees.

Feb. 19, 2010 - Washington Post
"Washington Post: "Michael Wilbon weighs in on Tiger's Apology"

Yep, Wilbon still weighs a lot more. Maybe because the apology was hollow.

Feb. 18, 2010 - CNN Breaking News
"U.S. will investigate possible steering issues with 2009 and 2010 Toyota Corollas"

If you own a Corolla, drive straight to your dealer immediately.

Feb. 15, 2010 - NY Times
"Running debate: Bare or in shoes?"

This guy couldn't decide.

Feb. 15, 2010 - NY Times
"A Twist on Getting Dressed: Try Doing It While Dangling"

Every day, New York Times ... every day. Those zippers are lethal.

OH! This is about the Trisha Brown Dance Company performance art. Never mind.

[picture by Tony Cenicola/The New York Times]

Feb. 14, 2010 - NY Times ad
"How to treat nasal allergies"

1. Carve off the entire right side of your face.
2. Use our handy green arrow to scrape out any debris!

Feb. 13, 2010 - NY Times
"Coalition Begins Major Afghan Offensive"

We already have a major afghan offensive:

Feb. 11, 2010 - NY Times
"2010 Vancouver Olympics: Reporters and editors answer your questions about the Winter games"

Oh, good, I've got some!

el nueve nuevo - Nine New Questions for Reporters About the Winter Games

1. Can we move it to Saskatchewan? I like to say Saskatchewan.
2. Do they test for steroids in Wii Ski Jumping?
3. If my only homosexual experience was not with an athlete, can I still compete in the biathlon?
4. How come triathletes don't get to shoot anything?
5. If I carry a gun on a little sled, would I be considered a Luger?
6. If I'm forced onto a little sled at gunpoint, would I be considered a Lugee?
7. If you lugee off a luge, would your tailwind carry it to the finish line?
8. Did you hear that shit about Nancy Kerrigan's dad?
9. If I show up at the speed skating event, will you yell, "Ohno, it's Mr. Bill!"?

Feb. 10, 2010 - Hoops Vibe
"Hoops Vibe Gallery: 200+ NBA Player Wives and Girlfriends"

I wonder which 14 players they're with.

Feb. 10, 2010 - NY Times News Alert
"The New York State Senate on Tuesday evening voted to expel Senator Hiram Monserrate...found guilty of misdemeanor assault of his girlfriend."

Henceforth known as Firam Monserrate.

Feb. 3, 2010 - CNN Breaking News
"Toyota owners should stop driving cars affected by recall, take them to dealers, says U.S. transportation secretary"

Call to make an appointment immediately! But not on your phone. Or walk over there. But not on roads.

Jan. 27, 2010 - NY Times News Alert
"Apple Announces Tablet Device Called iPad"

A Twitter post advised people to resist the urge to make tampon jokes, but how can I, when it's small, discreet, and even Steve Jobs claims it "will fill a gap between laptops"? Maybe they should have released it on the 28th day of the month.

Jan. 12, 2010 - CNN amFIX
"20 percent of released detainees returning to terrorism"

The other 80 percent would, but unemployment is too high and they can't find work.

Jan. 7, 2010 - NYTimes.com News Alert
"E.P.A. Announces Strict New Health Standards for Smog"

Specifically, all smog must now purchase a high-deductible health plan from a private health insurance carrier.

Dec. 31, 2009 - barcelonareporter.com

"Flight 253 passenger: Sharp-dressed man aided terror suspect Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab onto plane"

Clearly the security checkperson was female to allow this to happen. Every girl crazy bout a sharp-dressed man. But come on, who would believe a disguise like that? That's clearly a Frank fake beard.

Dec. 4, 2009 - courant.com

All of a sudden I'm a Ryan Seacrest fan. (This is how the caption actually appeared on courant.com)

Nov. 30, 2009 - TMZ
"The Hoff is rushed to the hospital"

At Baywatch slow-motion jiggle speed, that rushing could take hours.

Oct. 14, 2009 - News from courant.com
"A barrel of crude settles above $75"

Need I remind you that billzam.com consistently offers a barrel of crude absolutely free?

Oct. 14, 2009 - News from courant.com
"Police: Upstate NY man grew 116 marijuana plants, tried to eat evidence after arrest"

He would have gotten away with it too if he hadn't gotten the munchies after the second one and switched to potato chips.

Oct. 14, 2009 - News from courant.com
"Alabama Democratic Party mistakenly appoints dead man to local committee"

Not surprisingly, there was no change in the quality of government.

Sept. 8, 2009 - NYTimes Breaking News Alert
"New York State Discriminated Against Mentally Ill, Judge Rules."

[rolls eyes and twirls finger around ear] That judge is PSYCH-o...

Sept. 2, 2009 - News from courant.com
"Perez: Truth Is On My Side"

Yeah, not Perez Hilton. Just another lying mayor.

Aug. 21, 2009 - EW.com's TV Watch
"Tonight on TLC: Making Over America With Trinny and Susannah."

That's gonna be some difficult makeover! Oh, sorry, I thought that said "Tranny."

Aug. 5, 2009 - independent.ie
"Jailed Lockerbie bomber with cancer asks to be released [from Scotland, home to Libya]...on compassionate grounds...Megrahi is serving a life sentence after being convicted in 2001 of bombing Pan Am flight 103 in 1988 in which 270 people lost their lives."

I fully support this release. Give the families of the victims the Google Maps printout, and let him walk.

Aug. 5, 2009 - PTI
"New Delhi, Aug 5 (PTI) Rakshabandhan, symbolising the eternal bond of love between brother and sister, was today celebrated across the city with President Pratibha Patil... 'On the occasion of Rakshabandhan, which symbolizes love, affection and mutual trust between siblings, I extend my warm greetings and good wishes to all.' Patil said."

Before adding emphatically, I imagine, 'Dibs on drums!'

April 16, 2009 - CNN (Anderson Cooper)
"It's hard to talk when you're teabagging."

...by now many of you have seen this YouTube link being passed around. I love the topical (if unintentional) mention by David Gerg(l)en of "everybody else in the administration...below [Obama]."

January 2009 - cnn.com
Images of 2008

Bill Zam's parody of a cnn.com photo journal.

Dec. 12, 2008 - CNN This Week In Health

Or it could be that you're pouting on the sofa in a mumu sweater and styling your hair with snotty tissues. But go ahead, blame genetics, party animal.

Dec. 8, 2008 - CNN
"Obama: Days of 'pork ... as a strategy' are over"

Porn stars are going to be very disappointed at this news.

Dec. 4, 2008 - Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day
"ineffable (adj.) incapable of being expressed in words: indescribable; unspeakable"

(adj.) Too ugly to fuck

Dec. 3, 2008 - Managed Care OnLine
"Factoid: 88.2% of Uninsured Children Come from Families Where at Least One Parent Works"

...and the other parent does not work -- i.e., is broke.

Dec. 2, 2008 - WRAL News (accompanied by chalkboard addition graphic)
"Turning now to the schools and how they are feeling the pinch. The state wants $5 million dollars in funding back; the county wants $5.7 million returned; and today, school leaders worked to find out where in the world they can come up with that $11 million dollars."

I know! How about asking a school system that knows that $5 million + $5.7 million = $10.7 million to invest the extra $300,000 for you?

Nov. 18, 2008 - HCProhealthwire conference invitation
"Prepare for a RAC audit"

Cheesiest pickup line ever.

Nov. 14, 2008 - A.Word.A.Day Newsletter
"rollick (v.) To move or act in a playful, carefree manner."

rick-rollick (v.) To move or act in a playful, carefree manner against a chain link fence next to a comically balletic bartender.

Nov. 13, 2008 - Entertainment Weekly/Hollywood Insider
"Monkees celebrate 40 years of 'Head'"

Who wouldn't? Still, I would expect to read a headline like this not on ew.com, but ewwwww.com.

Nov. 13, 2008 - Smucker's On Ice Ticket Sale

With a name like Buttle...it's got to be good! Mmm...Smucker's on ice. Damn! We're out of peanut buttle.

Nov. 12, 2008 - Hamilton Beach coffee maker box

No Liability if you sue us after dumping scalding hot coffee on your baby because you were too jittery from the caffeine and too stupid to put her down first.

Nov. 11, 2008 - Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day
"cabotage (n.) the right to engage in coastal trade or transport"

(n.) the act of stealing another person's taxi while they are busy conversing with someone on the sidewalk. Required by law to occur in 14 percent of all motion pictures.

Nov. 10, 2008 - denim clothing ad

Preferably night, however, for the cheesy white and gray rodeo shirt combined with center parted hair that probably pulls back into a man ponytail. That way Farrah Fawcett won't see it.

Nov. 9, 2008 - radio ad for Carbonite.com, a computer security product
"Carbonite has given me great peace of mind and it will do the same for you!"

Not all testimonials were quite so enthusiastic.

Nov. 6, 2008 - News from courant.com
"Emanuel Accepts White House Chief of Staff Position"

Depending on which Emanuel, it's looking like four years of either a) steamy soft-core Skinemax sex with multiple partners or b) adorable life lessons learned from a white football player with an adopted black child.

P.S. If it's both, we have a serious problem.

Nov. 3, 2008 - Lincoln Institute Elementary School Visit
This memo went to the parents at my son's school. My modifications are in blue text.

Hi All!

This Thursday, "Abraham Lincoln" will be visiting our school for the entire day.

While we do have individual grade workshops scheduled with him, there are 2 assemblies in the morning, one for grades K-2 (8:45-9:20) and one for grades 3-5 (9:30-10:15).

Here is the rest of the day's schedule:

10:25-11:00 Grade 2 Log Cabin Workshop

11:01-11:09 Past Meets Present: Lincoln (B)Logs

11:10-11:40 Grade 1 Period Toy Workshop

11:41-12:19 Teachers yelling, "Pick up those fucking Lincoln Logs!"

12:20-1:00 Grade 5 Press Conference

1:01-1:09 Grade 5 children try unsuccesfully to figure out what "four score and seven years" equals

1:10-1:25 PM Kindergarten Program

1:26-1:34 Emancipation Proclamation Issued: Slavery abolished and all races treated as equals

1:35-2:10 Grade 4 Period Baseball

2:11-2:19 All White Male Grade 4 Period Baseball ("Let's not jump into this emancipation thing too quickly," says Abe, after his team gets waxed in the early game by fourth graders Paige, Gibson and Robinson)

2:20-2:50 Grade 3 Music Session

2:51-2:59 Grade 3 Ford Theatre Orchestra plays until interrupted by gunshot

3:00 Curtains

For more info, visit www.lincolninstitute.com

For more parody, visit www.billzam.com

Oct. 31, 2008 - courant.com
Hauntings in Connecticut

Bill Zam's parody of a Hartford Courant Halloween photo journal.

Oct. 30, 2008 - Atkins diet ad
"IT'S OCTOBER AND THE POUNDS ARE FALLING"

...yeah, after this guy has about six more beers. Get your kids to safety!:

Oct. 29, 2008 - Merriam-Webster Word of the Day
"superficies"

(n.), and depending on the pronunciation:
(1): Jaws and other large aquatic life.
(2): The phenomenon that keeps one out of gas station restrooms

Oct. 24, 2008 - courant.com Weekender
"Weekender: Halloween Guide/ Lewis Black at Chevrolet Theater / Hooker Day Parade"

I realize laughing at the word "hooker" is on a maturity level equal to looking up fart in the dictionary, but I couldn't resist:

Hooker Day Parade? Let me guess -- you drive the cars around the block while they stand on the corner?

P.S. (n.) a loud explosion between the legs. I'm in fourth grade.

Oct. 21, 2008 - A.Word.A.Day Newsletter
"bidentate"

(n.) The Democratic ticket for the 2016 Presidential election?

Sept. 25, 2008 - Vera Wang ad

Blatant false advertising. That's clearly a sofa.

Sept. 24, 2008 - CNN Breaking News
"John McCain suspends campaigning to work on economy, requests postponing Friday debate"

If he can fix the economy by Friday, he's got my vote.

Sept. 24, 2008 - Atkins Nutritionals
"Atkins is back!"

AHHH! DON'T HURT ME! I SWEAR I WON'T EAT BREAD AGAIN!!!

Oh, the diet? I thought you meant the ghost of the late doctor and diet guru. You scared the carbs out of me.

Sept. 18, 2008 - courant.com News at 3
"Griswold Couple Arrested In Death Of Son"

If I remember correctly, it was the grandmother.

Sept. 16, 2008 - fierce healthcare
"Senator questions cardiology group over medical device ties"

"Medical device ties?" They're called stethoscopes, dumb-ass.

Sept. 14, 2008 - CNN AM Quick News
"[Hurricane] Ike wears itself out beating up on Texas"

Don't they mean Tina?

Sept. 8, 2008 - NYTimes
"McCain Vows to End 'Partisan Rancor'"

Sept. 3, 2008 - courant.com News at 3
"FBI Doubles Reward for Whitey Bulger"

Found him! Where's my check?

Sept. 3, 2008 - courant.com News at 3
"Galante Sentenced To 87 Months In Prison"

Upon release from Gettysburg prison, Galante plans to make a media splash by beginning his press conference with "Four score and seven months ago..."

Aug. 19, 2008 - Merriam-Webster Word of the Day
"beleaguer"

(n.) A minor league baseball player.

Aug. 12, 2008 - National Fatherhood Initiative ad

Sure have! I taught my son that if he wants to make the NBA, it starts by impressing your fellow street ballers with a Beaver Cleaver haircut. Next, I showed him that contrary to popular belief, the most important aspect of a killer set shot in the paint is not the fish-hook follow-through, but rather the hand-against-ear trash-talk pantomime, which indicates to your opponent that you're whipping out your celly to say, "Hey, Mom! Dig my sweet J SportsCenter highlight." Of course, my fatherly involvement doesn't end there, which is why I taught my boy that on the off chance his shot is so pretty that it catches "nothing but the bottom of the rim," he should ready himself in the optimal box-out position, which is standing with both legs completely straight, facing the sunny side of what appears to be a tennis court.

After the game we're going to go get a few hookers.

Aug. 7, 2008 - News & Observer

When reached for comment, Edwards noted that he was not in fact a baby, and that his arm only appears toddler-sized in this picture based on the angle from which it was taken.

Aug. 6, 2008 - courant.com News at 3

Aug. 4, 2008 - source unknown

June 6, 2008 - courant.com News at 3
"CO Investigation At West Hartford School"

You're not going to find anything. Colorado is not in West Hartford, Conn. In fact, it's like, West or something.

May 19, 2008 - Merriam-Webster Word of the Day
"propensity"

Hey, isn't that where Hank Hill works? Oh, no, that's Strickland's.

May 15, 2008 - courant.com News at 3
"Prison Safety Questioned After Death Row Stabbing"

Here's my question: Can we kill all the Death Row prisoners that way and keep our taxes?

May 13, 2008 - HealthAtoZ [wellness newsletter]
"Will to Do Better"

This was the headline on a newsletter I received from my health insurance carrier, along with the image of the woman shown at right.

First of all, if I got on that body mass scale I would be making the face she is, not because I'd be giddy with joy, but because I'd be squinting and gritting my teeth trying to avoid the resultant shower of glass shrapnel.

Secondly, If Will (Zam) is going to Do Better with his wellness, he's going to need to be a little more Will Smith and a little less Will Ferrell.

*Note: I actually like the newsletter and both of these actors. If the owners of these images would like them removed, please let me know and I'll do so immediately.

**Note Two: Hopefully this explains why "Will Ferrell Naked" is in my Google search history. The things I do for my fans.

April 3, 2008 - courant.com
"Connecticut 8th Graders No. 1 In Writing Performance"

Pennsylvania students finished second with "performence." Better luck next time, kids.

March 27, 2008 - Fierce Healthcare
"insurance costs stymie ob-gyns"

March 10, 2008 - CNN Breaking News
"New York Times reports Gov. Eliot Spitzer admits involvement in a prostitution ring."

Alternate headline: Spitzer Swallows Pride

March 5, 2008 - health newsletter
"Heads Up: Obestity Webinar"

I'll always pick my head up for a Best Titty Webinar! Is it at Hooters?

Feb. 29, 2008 - News from courant.com
"Treasury Secretary Wants to Dump Pennies"

And I want to shit golden eggs, but that's not gonna happen, now, is it?

Feb. 28, 2008 - NYTimes.com
"Bernanke Says Sagging Growth Is Chief Concern"

You would think he'd be more concerned about the economy than his beer gut.

Feb. 20, 2008 - News from hartfordcourant.com
"Search On For Armed Man"

How many arms? Is this the guy!?

Feb. 8, 2008 - News from hartfordcourant.com
"Elderly Brothers Found Dead"

Gee, that's too bad. I loved "Wake Up Little Susie."

Feb. 6, 2008 - ABC News
"CORRECTION: Torladoes in South kill at least 54 people"

And I thought the empanadas at Breitbart's Super Bowl party [below] were strong! Those torlathoes south of the border must be made with real habanero. Good thing they made the CORRECTIOL.

Feb. 6, 2008 - breitbart.com
"Southern Residents Asses Tornado Damage"

Either Bart ain't so Breit, or some southern residents had way too much chili on Super Bowl Sunday. [Thanks to Jim for the link]

Jan. 31, 2008 - USA Today
"Umpires Angry at Probes"

"HOTH Today: Han and Chewie Also Angry at Imperial Probes"

Nov. 16, 2007 - News from courant.com
"Police Investigate Webster Bank Robbery"

"I seen him, Sheriff! He done climbed a ladder up onto his horse and headed off down past the saloon!"

Nov. 16, 2007 - News from courant.com
"Man held in strangulation case"

Let me guess -- held by his throat? Or maybe they mean this:

Nov. 16, 2007 - CNN Breaking News
"A federal grand jury indicts Barry Bonds on perjury and obstruction of justice charges"

He obstructed David Justice with his giant steroid-mutated head.

Nov. 16, 2007 - NYTimes.com
"Poor Are Lagging in Hurricane Aid From Mississippi"

Maybe you should ask the rich to provide the aid.

Oct. 23, 2007 - Hartford Courant
"A man who drove to Hartford Monday night to buy heroin was assaulted and carjacked near the corner of Zion and York streets, police said."

What kind of world do we live in where decent folk can't even safely go out on a weeknight to buy heroin?

Oct. 4, 2007 - CNN Breaking News
"A Minnesota judge has rejected Sen. Larry Craig's bid to withdraw his guilty plea stemming from a men's room sex sting arrest."

Be careful where you put your pleaness.

Sept. 12, 2007 - ctnow.com
"Woman Arrested After Car Hits Police Station"

Unfortunately they didn't arrest her before, but at least she landed in a cell.

Aug. 20, 2007 - Merriam-Webster Word of the Day
"chiliad"

(n.) the epic shit-fest the day after attending a chili cook-off

Aug. 14, 2007 - ctnow.com
"Hartford Happenings: Back-to-School Drive--Today Through August 24"

Wow, how far away is school?

Aug. 5, 2007 - New York Times
"House Passes Changes in Eavesdropping Program"

At least that's what it sounded like when we were standing outside the walls of Congress before they took our glass away.

July 25, 2007 - cnn.com
"Dealing with difficult co-workers"

This article kicks off with a discussion of a co-worker who smells bad. Do you think the Live Breaking News banner was intentional? I also like the subtle photo implication that the annoying co-worker was then put in a box.

July 25, 2007 - News from courant.com
"Study Links Obesity and Friends"

Oh, yeah, I saw that episode.

July 5, 2007 - courant.com
"Woman Found Dead At Boat Ramp | Woman Found Dead At Boat Ramp"

Apparently two people spotted her at the same time.

June 28, 2007 - nytimes.com
"Today's Headlines: New Poll Finds That Young Americans Are Leaning Left"

Tomorrow's Headlines: Polltaker Diagnosed With Vertigo

June 2007 - Bill Zam "interviews" Michael Vick

ATLANTA FALCONS’ MICHAEL VICK ACCUSED OF ILLEGAL DOGFIGHTING

Quarterback claims to have been dusting crops

May 30, 2007 - FierceHealthcare
"Senior Living Facility Grilled by SEC"

I know what you're thinking -- aren't old people gamey and tough? Who wants to eat them? But those Southeast Conference folks really know how to barbecue.

May 30, 2007 - News from courant.com
"Andrews Loses Appeal"

And yet, The Sound of Music remains one of my favorite things.

May 22, 2007 - Merriam-Webster
"foreshorten -- m-w's Word of the Day"

Um, let me guess...

\for-SHORT-un\ verb\ to circumcise?

May 16, 2007 - FierceHealthcare
"Questionable death at LA hospital"

What's the question? Is he dead or not? You're a hospital, dammit! Check his pulse or put a mirror in front of his mouth to see if it fogs up!

May 2, 2007 - Managed Care OnLine
"Factoid: Survey finds that 52 percent of physicians believe that more than half of their patients are overweight"

In related news, 99% of statisticians believe that 52% constitutes "more than half."

Apr. 18, 2007 - Bill Zam pays tribute to fake news

HUMORIST PAYS HOMAGE TO LEGENDS OF THE GENRE

Receipt still not received

Apr. 15, 2007 - Bill Zam meets Andy Borowitz

FAKE-NEWS LEGEND REPORTEDLY NERVOUS AFTER UNSUCCESSFUL STALKING BY MILDLY SUCCESSFUL COLUMNIST

Stalker community also irked by amateur attempt

Apr. 9, 2007 - News from courant.com
"Man Confessed to Killing With Hammer"

I kept screaming, "Please Hammer, don't hurt him!" but in the end he suffocated him with the slack from his pants.

Dec. 4, 2006 - CNN Breaking News
"President Bush has accepted the resignation of U.N. Ambassador John Bolton when his recess appointment expires, The Associated Press reports."

In related news, Michael Bolton expired after a strenuous game of kickball at recess.

July 26, 2006 - CNN Breaking News
"Andrea Yates was insane when she drowned her children in a bathtub, jury finds."

Lawmakers work diligently to pass bill establishing higher level of insanity, "Out of Her Fucking Tree."