Dec. 12, 2008 - CNN This Week In Health

Or it could be that you're pouting on the sofa in a mumu sweater and styling your hair with snotty tissues. But go ahead, blame genetics, party animal.

Dec. 3, 2008 - Managed Care OnLine
"Factoid: 88.2% of Uninsured Children Come from Families Where at Least One Parent Works"

...and the other parent does not work -- i.e., is broke.

Dec. 2, 2008 - WRAL News (accompanied by chalkboard addition graphic)
"Turning now to the schools and how they are feeling the pinch. The state wants $5 million dollars in funding back; the county wants $5.7 million returned; and today, school leaders worked to find out where in the world they can come up with that $11 million dollars."

I know! How about asking a school system that knows that $5 million + $5.7 million = $10.7 million to invest the extra $300,000 for you?

Nov. 14, 2008 - A.Word.A.Day Newsletter
"rollick (v.) To move or act in a playful, carefree manner."

rick-rollick (v.) To move or act in a playful, carefree manner against a chain link fence next to a comically balletic bartender.

Nov. 13, 2008 - Entertainment Weekly/Hollywood Insider
"Monkees celebrate 40 years of 'Head'"

Who wouldn't? Still, I would expect to read a headline like this not on ew.com, but ewwwww.com.

Nov. 12, 2008 - Hamilton Beach coffee maker box

No Liability if you sue us after dumping scalding hot coffee on your baby because you were too jittery from the caffeine and too stupid to put her down first.

Nov. 10, 2008 - denim clothing ad

Preferably night, however, for the cheesy white and gray rodeo shirt combined with center parted hair that probably pulls back into a man ponytail. That way Farrah Fawcett won't see it.

Nov. 9, 2008 - radio ad for Carbonite.com, a computer security product
"Carbonite has given me great peace of mind and it will do the same for you!"

Not all testimonials were quite so enthusiastic.

Nov. 6, 2008 - News from courant.com
"Emanuel Accepts White House Chief of Staff Position"

Depending on which Emanuel, it's looking like four years of either a) steamy soft-core Skinemax sex with multiple partners or b) adorable life lessons learned from a white football player with an adopted black child.

P.S. If it's both, we have a serious problem.

Nov. 3, 2008 - Lincoln Institute Elementary School Visit
This memo went to the parents at my son's school. My modifications are in blue text.

Hi All!

This Thursday, "Abraham Lincoln" will be visiting our school for the entire day.

While we do have individual grade workshops scheduled with him, there are 2 assemblies in the morning, one for grades K-2 (8:45-9:20) and one for grades 3-5 (9:30-10:15).

Here is the rest of the day's schedule:

10:25-11:00 Grade 2 Log Cabin Workshop

11:01-11:09 Past Meets Present: Lincoln (B)Logs

11:10-11:40 Grade 1 Period Toy Workshop

11:41-12:19 Teachers yelling, "Pick up those fucking Lincoln Logs!"

12:20-1:00 Grade 5 Press Conference

1:01-1:09 Grade 5 children try unsuccesfully to figure out what "four score and seven years" equals

1:10-1:25 PM Kindergarten Program

1:26-1:34 Emancipation Proclamation Issued: Slavery abolished and all races treated as equals

1:35-2:10 Grade 4 Period Baseball

2:11-2:19 All White Male Grade 4 Period Baseball ("Let's not jump into this emancipation thing too quickly," says Abe, after his team gets waxed in the early game by fourth graders Paige, Gibson and Robinson)

2:20-2:50 Grade 3 Music Session

2:51-2:59 Grade 3 Ford Theatre Orchestra plays until interrupted by gunshot

3:00 Curtains

For more info, visit www.lincolninstitute.com

For more parody, visit www.billzam.com

Oct. 30, 2008 - Atkins diet ad
"IT'S OCTOBER AND THE POUNDS ARE FALLING"

...yeah, after this guy has about six more beers. Get your kids to safety!:

Oct. 29, 2008 - Merriam-Webster Word of the Day
"superficies"

(n.), and depending on the pronunciation:
(1): Jaws other large aquatic life.
(2): The phenomenon that keeps one out of gas station restrooms

Oct. 24, 2008 - courant.com Weekender
"Weekender: Halloween Guide/ Lewis Black at Chevrolet Theater / Hooker Day Parade"

I realize laughing at the word "hooker" is on a maturity level equal to looking up fart in the dictionary, but I couldn't resist:

Hooker Day Parade? Let me guess -- you drive the cars around the block while they stand on the corner?

P.S. (n.) a loud explosion between the legs. I'm in fourth grade.

Oct. 21, 2008 - A.Word.A.Day Newsletter
"bidentate"

(n.) The Democratic ticket for the 2016 Presidential election?

Sept. 25, 2008 - Vera Wang ad

Blatant false advertising. That's clearly a sofa.

Aug. 19, 2008 - Merriam-Webster Word of the Day
"beleaguer"

(n.) A minor league baseball player.

Aug. 12, 2008 - National Fatherhood Initiative ad

Sure have! I taught my son that if he wants to make the NBA, it starts by impressing your fellow street ballers with a Beaver Cleaver haircut. Next, I showed him that contrary to popular belief, the most important aspect of a killer set shot in the paint is not the fish-hook follow-through, but rather the hand-against-ear trash-talk pantomime, which indicates to your opponent that you're whipping out your celly to say, "Hey, Mom! Dig my sweet J SportsCenter highlight." Of course, my fatherly involvement doesn't end there, which is why I taught my boy that on the off chance his shot is so pretty that it catches "nothing but the bottom of the rim," he should ready himself in the optimal box-out position, which is standing with both legs completely straight, facing the sunny side of what appears to be a tennis court.

After the game we're going to go get a few hookers.

Aug. 7, 2008 - News & Observer

When reached for comment, Edwards noted that he was not in fact a baby, and that his arm only appears toddler-sized in this picture based on the angle from which it was taken.

Aug. 6, 2008 - courant.com News at 3

May 19, 2008 - Merriam-Webster Word of the Day
"propensity"

Hey, isn't that where Hank Hill works? Oh, no, that's Strickland's.

May 15, 2008 - courant.com News at 3
"Prison Safety Questioned After Death Row Stabbing"

Here's my question: Can we kill all the Death Row prisoners that way and keep our taxes?

May 13, 2008 - HealthAtoZ [wellness newsletter]
"Will to Do Better"

This was the headline on a newsletter I received from my health insurance carrier, along with the image of the woman shown at right.

First of all, if I got on that body mass scale I would be making the face she is, not because I'd be giddy with joy, but because I'd be squinting and gritting my teeth trying to avoid the resultant shower of glass shrapnel.

Secondly, If Will (Zam) is going to Do Better with his wellness, he's going to need to be a little more Will Smith and a little less Will Ferrell.

*Note: I actually like the newsletter and both of these actors. If the owners of these images would like them removed, please let me know and I'll do so immediately.

**Note Two: Hopefully this explains why "Will Ferrell Naked" is in my Google search history. The things I do for my fans.

Feb. 29, 2008 - News from courant.com
"Treasury Secretary Wants to Dump Pennies"

And I want to shit golden eggs, but that's not gonna happen, now, is it?

Feb. 20, 2008 - News from hartfordcourant.com
"Search On For Armed Man"

How many arms? Is this the guy!?

Feb. 8, 2008 - News from hartfordcourant.com
"Elderly Brothers Found Dead"

Gee, that's too bad. I loved "Wake Up Little Susie."

Feb. 6, 2008 - ABC News
"CORRECTION: Torladoes in South kill at least 54 people"

And I thought the empanadas at Breitbart's Super Bowl party [below] were strong! Those torlathoes south of the border must be made with real habanero. Good thing they made the CORRECTIOL.

Feb. 6, 2008 - breitbart.com
"Southern Residents Asses Tornado Damage"

Either Bart ain't so Breit, or some southern residents had way too much chili on Super Bowl Sunday. [Thanks to Jim for the link]

Jan. 31, 2008 - USA Today
"Umpires Angry at Probes"

"HOTH Today: Han and Chewie Also Angry at Imperial Probes"

Nov. 16, 2007 - News from courant.com
"Police Investigate Webster Bank Robbery"

"I seen him, Sheriff! He done climbed a ladder up onto his horse and headed off down past the saloon!"

Nov. 16, 2007 - News from courant.com
"Man held in strangulation case"

Let me guess -- held by his throat? Or maybe they mean this:

July 25, 2007 - cnn.com
"Dealing with difficult co-workers"

This article kicks off with a discussion of a co-worker who smells bad. Do you think the Live Breaking News banner was intentional?

July 25, 2007 - News from courant.com
"Study Links Obesity and Friends"

Oh, yeah, I saw that episode.

May 22, 2007 - Merriam-Webster
"foreshorten -- m-w's Word of the Day"

Um, let me guess...

\for-SHORT-un\ verb\ to circumcise?

May 16, 2007 - FierceHealthcare
"Questionable death at LA hospital"

What's the question? Is he dead or not? You're a hospital, dammit! Check his pulse or put a mirror in front of his mouth to see if it fogs up!

May 2, 2007 - Managed Care OnLine
"Factoid: Survey finds that 52 percent of physicians believe that more than half of their patients are overweight"

In related news, 99% of statisticians believe that 52% constitutes "more than half."

Apr. 9, 2007 - News from courant.com
"Man Confessed to Killing With Hammer"

I kept screaming, "Please Hammer, don't hurt him!" but in the end he suffocated him with the slack from his pants.

Dec. 4, 2006 - CNN Breaking News
"President Bush has accepted the resignation of U.N. Ambassador John Bolton when his recess appointment expires, The Associated Press reports."

In related news, Michael Bolton expired after a strenuous game of kickball at recess.

July 26, 2006 - CNN Breaking News
"Andrea Yates was insane when she drowned her children in a bathtub, jury finds."

Lawmakers work diligently to pass bill establishing higher level of insanity, "Out of Her Fucking Tree."