Mike Ditka’s Face
(sung to the tune of Queen’s “Bicycle Race”)

Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka!
I want to see my Mike Ditka
I want to see my Mike
I want to see my Mike Ditka
Especially on Mike and Mike

You say Bears – Monday Night
You say end – I say tight
You say shark – I say, hey Ron,
Jaws was never my scene
And I don't like Werder
Tirico – what a voice
Kornheiser – give me a choice
You say Mike – I say “nice!”
I don't believe in John Madden,
Charlie Steiner, Olbermann
Cause all I wanna see is

Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka!
Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka!
I want to see my Mike Ditka
I want to see my Mike
I want to see my Mike Ditka
Especially on…

Mike Ditka’s faces are coming your way
And the man can get moody, oh yeah!
Fat bottomed men won’t stop him on this play
And look out for those Buddy’s, oh yeah
On your marks get set go
Mike Ditka’s face Mike Ditka’s face Mike Ditka’s face

You say “Joa” – I say “quin”
You say -berg – I say Green
Hot dog! I say Golic, man
Ditka’s gonna be the President of America
You say smile – I say cheese
Ditka glares – I say please
When he growls I just freeze
I don't wanna be the streaking fan
That Iron Mike knocked on his can
Cause all I want to see is

Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka!
I want to see my Mike Ditka
I want to see my Mike
I want to see my Mike Ditka
Especially on Mike and Mike

Original lyrics:
Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

You say black I say white
You say bark I say bite
You say shark I say hey man
Jaws was never my scene
And I don't like Star Wars
You say Rolls I say Royce
You say God give me a choice
You say Lord I say Christ
I don't believe in Peter Pan
Frankenstein or Superman
All I wanna do is

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my
Bicycle races are coming your way
So forget all your duties oh yeah!
Fat bottomed girls they'll be riding today
So look out for those beauties oh yeah
On your marks get set go
Bicycle race bicycle race bicycle race
Bicycle bicycle bicycle want to ride my bicycle
Bicycle bicycle bicycle
Bicycle race

You say coke I say caine
You say John I say Wayne
Hot dog I say cool it man
I don't wanna be the President of America
You say smile I say cheese
Cartier I say please
Income tax I say Jesus
I don't wanna be a candidate
For Vietnam or Watergate
Cos all I want to do is

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like


Why Don’t We Get Ditka Too?
Sung to the tune of Jimmy Buffett’s “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw?” a.k.a. “A Love Song (From a Different Point of View)”

I really do appreciate the fact he’s sittin’ here
His voice sounds so wonderful
And his hair looks like veneer
Golic may be bigger
But da Coach has got a clue
So why don’t we get Ditka too?

Why don’t we get Ditka too?
We just bought a studio with room for more than two
They say he is just gruff and mean
Honey, I don’t think that’s true
So, why don’t we get Ditka too?

Why don’t we get Ditka too?
We just started Monday Nights and two Mikes just won’t do
Greenie’s filled with terror
He’s wetting his J. Crews
But, why don’t we get Ditka too?

Original lyrics:
I really do appreciate the fact you’re sittin’ here
Your voice sounds so wonderful
But yer face don’t look too clear
So bar maid bring a pitcher, another round o’ brew
Honey, why don’t we get drunk and screw

Why don’t we get drunk and screw?
I just bought a waterbed, it’s filled up for me and you
They say you are a snuff queen
Honey I don’t think that’s true
So, why don’t we get drunk and screw?

Why don’t we get drunk and screw?
I just bought a waterbed it’s filled up for me and you
They say you are a snuff queen
Honey I don’t think that’s true
So why don’t we get drunk and screw
Yeah, now baby I say, (lord!)
Why don’t we get drunk and screw?


Come Monday
(sung to the tune of Jimmy Buffett’s “Come Monday”)

There’s a bye for San Francisco
So to Atlanta Ditka will go
He’s got his hair helmet on
I guess I never realized how much it really glows
Honey I didn’t know
That I’d be missing it so

But come Monday
It’ll be all right
Come Monday
He’ll play end [comma] tight
I’ve spent six lonely days without his steely gaze
And I just want him back on the side

Yes, it’s been quite a season
Brett Favre and mid-foot sprains
But Ditka’s still “Kicking & Screaming”
A career move that’s hard to explain
Still, we love him so
That’s the reason we’ll let that one go

And come Monday
It’ll be all right
Come Monday
He’ll be holding the mike
I’ve spent six lonely days with no angry tirades
And I just want him back on the side

He don’t need the money
Iron Mike’s an endorsement cash cow
Just like his state mate Montana
He always has thrilled football crowds

I hope you’re enjoying it, Greenie
Even though you’re pretty damn scared
Be sure to have Golic guard you
Any time you walk anywhere
Despite the fighting with Buddy Ryan
Nothing could stop his Super Bowl win

‘Cause come Monday
It’ll be all right
Come Monday
He’ll be with Mike and Mike
I’ve spent six lonely days with no calling of plays
And I just want him back on the side

Original lyrics
Headin' up to San Francisco
For the Labor Day weekend show,
I've got my hush puppies on,
I guess I never was meant for
Glitter rock and roll.
And honey I didn't know
That I'd be missin' you so

(Chorus)
Come Monday it'll be all right,
Come Monday I'll be holding you tight
I spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze
And I just want you back by my side.

Yes it's been quite a summer,
Rent-a-cars and west bound trains.
And now you’re off on vacation,
Somethin' you tried to explain.
And darlin' I love you so
That’s the reason I just let you go.

Chorus

I can't help it honey,
You’re that much a part of me now
Remember the night in Montana
When we said there'd be no room for doubt?

I hope your enjoyin' the scen'ry
I know that it's pretty up there
We can go hikin’ on Tuesday
With you I'd walk anywhere.
California has worn me quite thin
I just can't wait to see you again

The Wind Beneath My Wings
[WINNING ENTRY FROM HUNDREDS
NOT WRITTEN BY BILL ZAM]

Oh yeah Mike Ditka is our hero
Who's got the [bleep] to disagree?
His teams were better than Golic's Eagles
For he is da Coach and Golic's got no rings